TUBcake was always intended to have two parts — the film itself & a written companion - a set of FOOTnotes. So, after viewing the film a first time, BJB invites you to watch this annotated version, dog-eared with signifiers that correspond to a bulleted list of behind-the-scenes vignettes. Identify all the references & learn about the conception, production, plus post-production (& beyond). Tune in for this TUBcake tell-all.*
This image* was learned in early memory by me and some others as the gateway to all media. The sound of the tape even now is nearly primal, primeval, prenatal… It conjures the countless times that same blue screen reflected in our bright, collective eyes - the storytelling initiation of a whole generation… mine. Let the ritual begin. #VHS4ever
These overlaid orange bits are from the scan of my 16mm film, writing along the leader tape by the “boys” in Toronto who “run it through the chemistry.”* It probably says my name or Tubcake or the University of Utah or something like that…
This is Monroe, Utah. Doug took the drone out early by himself the last day, capturing the frosty, beautiful valley - using my cousin Conner’s DGI Phantom he let me borrow (& made me promise I’d be the only one to operate - sorry! Doug is better), the drone Doug & Sid picked up in Hollywood before they drove out. Wow - so many favors in one shot. Thanks, dudes.
The song is Madge, “Fight or Flight Club.”* We were kids together - beehives, nerds, Mormons together. Now, she’s an uber-chic, shaved-head, up-and-coming mega-artist / producer. I was obsessed with her sound through production… Her music makes me feel like it must all be worth it - somehow. So, in the edit, it’s like the footage called for it; summoned it. (Dude, I get superstitious when it comes to soundtrack.)
I just found this U logo online. I ripped it with one of those shady YouTube to mp3 websites (with outrageous clickbait advertising like “What Does the Human Barbie Look Like Without Make-Up” - sadly, I do know), the same way I pulled all of the various, re-appropriated clips to come in similar fashion.
The instinct to add the flashes of color came as a whim in the edit, unknowingly setting a stylistic precedent for the piece.
“I was basically born believing in angels…” These words were part of the foundation for the whole thing. They came to me very early on in the configuring of the concept. I wrote a very a-typical script - experimenting with form and process. A version of this voice-over did exist before shooting, but it included this disclaimer: “Voiceover meant to evolve throughout shooting - final writing in the edit.” I always intended to learn the piece through making it, discover it through manifestation. So, I recorded & rewrote & re-recorded bit by bit as I edited.
This is the Angel Moroni - the last Book of Mormon prophet (the golden guy on the top of Mormon temples) who appeared to Joseph Smith (the first Mormon prophet*) and showed him where he, the last of his kind, had buried the Golden Plates on which was transcribed the record of his people, later “translated” as the Book of Mormon. (See the tiny golden plates in his tiny hands?) Well, actually - obviously - it’s an action figure of Angel Moroni. And, well - literally I think it’s technically the prophet Mormon (Moroni’s dad who abridged the record, which is why it’s called The Book of Mormon…) BUT, the Moroni figurine isn’t quite as cool as this one. So, I just like to think of this one as the Angel Moroni, ALL RIGHT?
Smoking. I know… how cliche. I overheard someone who glimpsed my footage at school joke with a peer about how emo film students always have to smoke in their films…
I first bought this Angel Moroni figurine when on the road-trip with Atlantic. In Kirtland, I think. Or, maybe Nauvoo, but I don’t think so. I promptly tied him to the rearview mirror of the Adventure Mobile* with floss, and he rode there - leading the way - until the end. I don’t remember exactly when he got ripped down. But, I’m sure it was a fit from Atlantic, perhaps the one where he shattered my Nevermind CD, too.
But, my smoking depictions are habitually self-referential, invoking a short story I wrote at NYU in undergrad, 2009ish, called “How To Win Him.” It’s the first story I ever wrote that actually felt like something, you know? It felt real because it was real. The story of a girl, a virgin, who can’t have sex with her new boyfriend even though she wants to, finds out he slept with someone else, smokes a whole pack of cigarettes…
I remembered this field when I wrote the script. I’d seen it in the Fall, so I wrote it full of cornstalks. But, we filmed the movie in March. And, somehow the barren, snow-crest lines are far better than what I could have ever intended anyway.
“You like how gray the smoke looks coming out of you, how black your lungs feel on the inside. It was the whiteness, you know, that did this to you…” Every cigarette I’ve ever smoked - on-screen, metaphorically, or otherwise - has been a manifestation of this sensation in one way or another. My playwright friend Robert liked the story, encouraged me to send it for publication consideration. I got a handwritten rejection from The New Yorker that I still have somewhere.
When I went to Chapman, (Atlantic &) I made “How To Win Him”* into a short film that was never finished (surprise, surprise). Lauren Call, to her credit, smoked a lot of cigarettes in my effigy. And, though we missed the deadline for the official screening, we did have a tearful, private showing in the edit bay for Lauren & her mom, and that was enough.
Look - my nails are blue. Did you know you can track the different TUBcake production timeframes by how my nails look? Blue means mid-main-shooting — post Salt Flats and pre blackout at the end. I’ll point them out to you — don’t worry.
Jose shot this coverage on his Sony A7s ii on our way down to Mystic Hot Springs for the second half of shooting (Lindsey was in the back seat) — a day and a half since we wrapped at the Salt Flats. The whole crew stopped for breakfast that morning at my parents’ in Springville . Everyone said the waffles were the best they’d ever had. And, they really are. In high school I wrote an essay about my Pop’s waffles that won a contest. No joke.
Thanks be to Trent Harris for morphing my concept of other-worldly angels into literal SpaceMen.
This shot was very important to me. A frame specifically designed to drop “TUBcake” into - evoking an iconic trope, so to speak, of a classically, dramatically introduced title. It’s almost like TUBcake is playing at being a movie, and these little self-aware moments punctuate & accentuate that play.
If you look closely, you can tell it’s a foreign cigarette. Thanks, Sid, for lending me one in a pinch!
Theodore* designed the logo for me — also in a pinch — initially intended to be made into kodalith titles that never got finished. I had a deadline to turn it in & he rushed and made it happen. I told him he was my kodalith hero. And now that moment is crystalized in the perfect logo — better than I ever expected — eternally born out of that brief, happy moment.
I cannot take credit for coining the title. That was all my (now) dear friend, Elizabeth. My new-found friendship with her was one of the greatest take-aways from my pre-Janus* experience. At some point in the car, on the way up or the way back (I can’t remember which), she said she should call the project “TUBcake” & I knew immediately that was it. Brilliant!
The music is Madge again: “Red James.” The beat so visceral… It was in my veins… my brains… But, then I splice it with:
“Doll Parts,” by Hole — though I credit it later to “Courtney Love” because I just think of it as her, you know? That voice…
I don’t know how I got the idea to splice the two songs together, honestly. I’d wanted to use “Doll Parts” for the credit sequence for a long time. Thought about doing an hyper-apathetic acoustic cover of it myself. But, that was too much to take on when it came down to it. But, once I got started editing with Madge in my ears, I swung easily to the next sound I needed like a grade-schooler on monkey bars. Because somehow, in my brain, that beat just bled right into Courtney Love, adding that twist to the context that I needed. Then, I feverishly cut together the audio before layering in the visuals.
Now, I know this credit sequence is kind of long and indulgent. But, I just can’t argue with it. It is exactly what it wants to be. I received it like a revelation from a cute little paper SpaceMan. I had edited the piece up until this point, and I knew all along I wanted a credit sequence but didn’t know what until I got to it. Then, once I knew what I wanted, I couldn’t continue with the edit until I shot & edited together this whole sequence. I have to layer my edits brick by brick, like a tightly woven psychedelic basket. Sometimes I need a sign to continue…
At the same time I was trying to figure out the credit sequence & make progress on the TUBcake edit, Jose got me a card with this tiny SpaceMan on it, claiming a cupcake planet with a tiny flag. It was a sign —> TUBcake existed. We’d already filmed it & Jose had already played my SpaceMan. Then, right as I was struggling to manifest the story in the edit, the little astronaut appeared to me to hand me the baton to continue on.
For the credit sequence, then, I conceived of this little prequel journey of the tiny SpaceMan… traveling right to left (the opposite of “comfortable” screen direction, I’ll have you) through lands of BJB-stuff & film equipment — a little bubble almost, like Glinda the Good Witch — to finally arrive at the story and Our Girl. A Shakespearean-like story-within-a-story — a synecdoche microcosm for the narrative whole & highly reminiscent of the glorified, over-emphasized iconic credit sequences I grew up on in the 90s, an informative trope.
The names displayed are all those who give “performances” within the piece, cited in the order in which they joined the production. I obviously joined first. Then, I had Jose. Though we’d only been together roughly two months to the shoot day, he was as loyal as any partner could be. Lord love him. <3
Notice the books:
They’re all intel on me — my prophets, my texts, my scriptures, my talismans. My tacky, sappy, overly-nostalgic aesthetic sets the stage.
Then, there was Lindsey, my dear friend — also loyal as all hell. Tough like me in a Mormon-born, youngest-child, screw-loose-in-the-best-way sort of way. She’s the kid sister I never had. Though, she’d never set foot on a film set before TUBcake & quickly learned a new level of exhaustion. Lord love her.
Doug was the most sought-after cinematographer in my year at Chapman. I never had the chance to work with him until the time came for thesis. (Atlantic &) I pitched him hard — we wanted him bad — & we bagged him. But, the movie never happened. I got too sick & the school was too resistant to my ideas & it all just came to a toxic head until I just had to get out from under it all & let my life crash & burn like it obviously wanted to…
But, I always thought that someday when I finally made another legitimate project, I’d know it was real if Doug was shooting it. So, when I enrolled back in grad school at the U, I thought I’d probably ask Doug to shoot my thesis. But then, ten days before TUBcake, all I had was Jose & Linds. I needed more hands; I needed more friends. And, it just occurred to me to ask Doug — the unicorn of DPs (even though chances were, he’d be busy, of course). But, I felt it — in my gut — that I was supposed to try. You don’t get anything if you don’t ask, I thought.
So, I just texted him — out-of-the-blue — said I’d fly him out & put him up if he’d be willing to come shoot, to come stay. In the text message, I called him “the DP that got away…” Thank the Gods that something I said piqued his interest.
This is the old equipment room at the U — cupcakes set upon the screen of the computer I would work at during the Fall semester 2017, making nascent plans for TUBcake… though this sequence was filmed almost last — April-ish, weeks after principal production. I actually filmed this part twice due to lost footage… But, that’s a story for another footnote.*
When I talked to Doug on the phone about the project, he told me he was on his way to have dinner with our mutual friend, Sid - producing graduate from our Chapman class & founder of his own media collective in LA. Doug said he happened to know that Sid was between projects & asked if he could tell Sid about TUBcake… said they’d recently joked about taking a “road trip” together. I was baffled - blown away. Of course tell Sid. I badly needed a Producer & had often worked (& partied*) closely with Sid - just never as his director. It was serendipity of the most meant-to-be kind.
In the end, they both committed & drove out together with gear & my cousin’s drone in tow. This gesture was exactly the vote of confidence & show of solidarity I needed in order to really go for this weird little vision of a movie of mine.
So much BJB in this packed in this frame, but this was actually shot at Jose’s place. It started to look this way after TUBcake, artsy vomit everywhere from my creative aftermath. I basically lived there, & I guess I come with kitschy baggage.
Notice the journal with the ruby slippers on it (an Oz nod, of course). The cupcake purse Jose bought me the day after principal shooting with the intention I’d wear it at my hoped-for “premiere” party. My actual Barbie dolls from childhood, used in the ending of the film. Unicorn rubber duckies — from the ending, also. My favorite is the postcard-size image of Joseph Smith, an iconic one for Mormons — but this one is remixed. Instead of studying the bible the boy is depicted with classic vinyls in his lap, “London Calling” by The Clash on top.
Aaron Moura joined the production because I needed someone to run sound. A recent grad from the U, Jose knew him and brought him on. We didn’t meet until that morning at the Salt Flats. And, I knew from the moment I saw him that I’d like him on-camera. We quickly bonded over cigarettes & Joywave & the exhilaration of being in the middle of freezing nowhere doing something ridiculous like shooting a SpaceMan visitation. From that moment, we’ve been friends. And, his performance becomes an iconic piece of the visual aesthetic.
And, I didn’t even scare him off with 12 hours in the wet, cold, & salty wasteland. He drove down to the Hot Springs for day two, too (even though he hadn’t initially planned to), even though he had to leave & drive back before spending the night… just to be part of it all a little longer. His quick-draw, sure-fire loyalty from day one was a huge boost of confidence in the middle of all this that assured me that I wasn’t all crazy… that there might just be something to it all, after all.
This is me on the Janus* poster. It’s an image of me you’ll see later on in the movie, used to promote a production that (some members) vehemently opposed being part of my project. (More on that later.) Though it felt sort of ironic to literally be the poster-child for their cause when I’d felt so hurt by their rejection of my story (i.e. me), it was still… flattering, in a way, to see myself legitimized on poster-board & social media, even if just by the desperate necessity of undervaluing others. I went to their fundraising event since I was the face of it, though no longer affiliated with the group. And, two of my best girlfriends (Lindsey Wilson & Robin James — the sisters I never had… & they are literal sisters). And, we all wore black because it made us feel more like badasses, necessary when swimming in possibly unfriendly waters. And, I got to keep the posters. Because, who else would want my giant face?
Janus raised, like, $2.5k that night.** I paid for TUBcake out of my own pocket with money earned in solar startup operations.
Alekh was in my screenwriting class in the Fall semester 2017. But, we didn’t get close until we both volunteered at Slamdance in January. Good as gold — you might as well call him Ponyboy,* bright-eyed & level-headed. From Provo but never Mormon. He drove down to meet us at the Mystic Hot Springs day two, with his wilderness hat & eager hands to help. His presence is invaluable at the cake-eating tub sequence at the end, wearing my heart-shaped sunglasses. Look for him.
Back in the equipment room now. Do you see how these sequences of parallel settings function? Half me-stuff & half film-stuff — all of it manipulated, placed — simultaneously real & fake, an enacted aesthetic of both authenticity & duplicity — compounded by aggressive coloring & distorting digital, analog, or filmic overlays.
Robin & I have been close friends since 5th grade. We were in the same class at Sage Creek Elementary when my family first moved to Springville in 1999. I famously ruined her birthday party by throwing up everywhere — see, even then my stomach was already controlling my social life. We played volleyball together in high school, both starters at the same position. And after I left home and left The Church,* she was the only one who followed me out in her own way. And, when I landed back in Utah two years ago, broke & broken, she helped carry some of my broken-heart burden. I feel for her as Anne** did of Diana; she is my bosom friend forever.
For the shoot, she drover her husband & her dog in their family RV up to Mystic for day two & three, just to be with me. Because, she knew it was important to me. Her presence definitely infuses my portrayal of triumph in the end.
You see my fingernails? The half-chipped black polish? That’s how long it’d been since the wrap of principal photography, where my nails appear freshly painted onyx. The chipped look is a realistic depiction of their typical look (a just-barely-there look on them now as I type…) I don’t know what it is about black. I just find it comforting. *
I’m twisting his arm here to get a reflection on his shiny helmet.
Tyrel was technically last to join the cast, I guess. Robin’s husband, perhaps held hostage in that RV as she dragged him there — who knows. But, Ty & I have been friends for a long time now — we’ve seen a lot of each other — and he came through for me that day; he really did, and for Robin, too. He smoked hookah on a bed in the back of a hippie bus while his wife played Barbie dolls with her little sister & her best friend amidst bubbles (you’ll see what I mean). And, he let me film it. He’s a champ. Plus, I love this frame where his name pops up. Luck of the draw, really. The visuals progress in a specific way, & the names go in a particular order… So, it’s sort of like a puzzle, the positions sort of destined, really…
I think I use a dust overlay here. It has a cool effect, no?
This is the card the SpaceMan came from, placed in a little spa box Jose got for me with revitalizing masks & massage oils inside. Other cards he’d given me. The black Buddha’s are mine from Thailand; his are gold (like the plates Moroni buried & later gave to Joseph). The wood engraving features my favorite drawing by artist Penelope Gazin of a sort of zombie couple. I gave it to Jose for Valentine’s Day.
This is my favorite setup in this re-shot footage, with these old lenses that lay around at school. I didn’t think to use them until I was forced to reshoot the equipment room footage. See, it was just a couple weeks before school was out & I had only edited TUBcake through the intro. Then, I had to stop & shoot this little sequence because it had been revealed to me that’s what went next. And, I have to build it brick by brick, you see — line upon line, precept upon precept.
So, I had to shoot & edit together this sequence in its entirety before continuing the rest of the edit. So, I shot it once. And then, before dumping my SD card, I let Jose & Eduardo borrow my camera for another shoot, and when their SD card filled up in the middle of an interview, mine was quickly snatched from the bag & formatted without a second thought. I lost the footage. I was sick & probably rather hysterical, the pressure of the impending semester-end snapping the supports of my resolve to remain calm in the face of unintended circumstances. Jose & Eduardo assured me there were programs that could recover the footage. So, one day, in the edit bay - I think I was working on splicing together Made & Courtney Love - I send Jose away with my credit card asking for him to just take care of it — buy whatever program I needed. I couldn’t even think about it; I was so sick by the stress of being stymied.
I distracted myself successfully at first. But before long, I get a phone call from American Express. My card had been forcibly canceled for security as the information has been stolen by a known Chinese scam operation. I think steam came out my ears. (Sorry, Jose — I was not lovely that day.) So with the clock ticking, I finally just break down and re-shoot the footage. And serendipitously, it was so much better the second time around. Funny thing — it’s like I learned something. And, there’s definitely some lesson there to be had, all right.
And on the second time shooting the credits is when I had the idea to use the old lenses to look like sort of space pods for our miniature astronaut, bubbles for our futuristic Glinda. I love the depth of field in this set-up — the most extreme example of the aesthetic employed throughout: how much focus can change and distort an identical physical perspective. The reflection of the cupcake in the background is my favorite part.
I think I use stars as an overlay here… I’m rather sure.
This is Laurie.*
The little blast-off here of the tiny SpaceMan is a personal favorite detail…
Then, he lands on to the old & faded-looking polaroid of me, Jose, Linds, & Alekh in front of the Ben Bus at Mystic Host Springs, taken the final morning after shooting, post wrap party, mid-hangover, right before leaving… taken on my old-school polaroid.* I love the way the SpaceMan drops back to Earth here, taking us back in time to the days of the photography (meant to mimic the cheesy 90s flashback aesthetic — like, it could have easily been accompanied by some twinkling sound effect & pink mist), launching us back into the story with BJB on her journey.
Back in the story “present,” I first remind you of Moroni… & the fact that the car & the unseen heroine are being divinely lead. Or, at least she thinks so.
Then, from the Angel Moroni ornament, we project forward off his power, receiving, downloading, blips of the future from the divine — visions of the place where we are headed. The VW Bus on top the bus (where we’ll see our heroine in the very end). The three tubs where we’ll see Robin, Alekh, & Lindsey near the end with cupcakes. The sun staring through the trees. The same view from inside the bus. Something’s drawing her / us there…
Now, we’re back with BJB. Smoking again, determined, passing the Monroe Family Dollar with intensity, making Moroni look like a bungee jumper crashing back to reality. In that moment, I was literally a woman on a mission. About to arrive on location — everyone looking to me for instruction, the sun already dipping to the low side of the sky. Halfway through production, I had to keep the whole thing going — keep myself going, too.
I don’t know how I had the instinct to flash pink. I just did, the concept still in me since the beginning blips with the U logo. Ideas like that are the best kind, bestowed from beyond me, like beautiful, illogical bits of artistry that aren’t right or wrong, but instantly just are.
I found this place in the Fall, stumbled across it really, trying to find a place to go for my birthday. All I wanted was a getaway with my (not-boyfriend) Theodore. I think I searched AirBnB for “cabin hot tub utah.” And somewhere in that bucket of results was Mystic Hot Springs where natural piping water funnels into old school bath tubs & accommodations exist in the form of pimped-out hippie buses. I was sold. I booked it immediately. And, it was better than imagined. It’s the place where TUBcake was conceived between divinity & me. I thought, if I could be healed anywhere, it would be here.
My car is RIP now. I have a new superstition that whenever I put one of my cars on camera, that starts its ticking clock. We used my old Saturn* in a film at Chapman — it got totaled after. And, we featured the Adventure Mobile in the (yet unfinished) Manifest Extasy. And then my Escape kicked the bucket just a couple weeks after shooting. I don’t know how I would have pulled it all off without it. It was literally my “escape” vehicle when I left Atlantic & Texas to move home to Utah. It had been through two of my brothers before me. My oldest had bought it. Then my parents gave their Flex to him & his wife, so they gave the Escape to my youngest brother (but still older than me). And, just when I moved home, they bought a mini-van & gave the Escape to me (because Atlantic got to keep the Adventure Mobile… ) It was stained & thrashed, just like me. It was a good car, scarred but always game for a good time… #RIP
This is the first shot of the footage I filmed with the Janus project in February — actually the very first shot ever officially filmed for TUBcake. Here’s the story (from my perspective):
At the start of Spring semester, I had been reborn. Me & Theodore were over for (what I thought was for) real. I had Lindsey bleach my hair in Aspen on New Years to ritually punctuate my resurrection… No, reincarnation.* Plus, I already had TUBcake on the brain; I already knew I wanted a grown-out-roots look to then transition into black for the production.
Anyway, for the first time in years — coming off the longest writer’s block of my life (triggered by emerging from trauma) — I had a story idea, my eyes set on a movie to make. And, I was hungry to show my worth to my peers, & really, mostly myself — to teach myself to believe again, prove to myself that not only could I still do it, but my experiences had enabled me to be better than ever. I’d clawed my way back to a microphone. And, fresh off my latest rejection, I was ready to work. But… I had a problem: I had no one to help me. I was used to collaborating, working with a partner, with a team, on a crew.
I was alone & afraid & the story took shape in my mid as a sort of prophesy. I’d start the process alone but somehow manifest a sort of community to help me make the film, & in turn the film would be about how community saved me.
But, who that would be was a mystery to me week one in the Spring. It couldn’t be… was never meant to be… Theodore, after all — I knew that much. At least not physically. So, the story that had been ignited in his company was up for grabs for supporting cast. And, I believed I would find them.
Within the first day or two of the semester, an email goes out to all the female film student from the woman I’d TA’d for in the Fall, a fellow grad student. Let’s call her Gabby.* Gabby expressed in the email a desire to shoot an all-female cast-and-crew project during her last semester. And, she was calling for collaborators — people to write & direct as she wanted to DP. This email struck me immediately as the sign I’d waited for.
Here I was — brand new to the program — with a project I wanted to write & direct, but needed help shooting. And, literally the only person I know (because I was assigned to her) is looking to shoot a project she needs someone else to write & direct. It was a no-brainer for me. We’d had a rocky-ish relationship in the Fall. But, I thought things would be different as “peers.” It’s funny how apparent a blind-side is in hindsight.
The timing of all of it was just too perfect. And, in thinking about the concept of an all-female project — my story immediately took on that shape. Wouldn’t that be fascinating, I thought. Alone in the beginning — spurned by men. And, it’s a community of women who come together to empower me & make my “vision” literally happen. It felt just like destiny — or anti-destiny maybe.**
I replied to Gabby immediately, telling her I was excited about the possibility of collaborating. And initially, she really seemed happy to have me on board. But at some point, that changed. And in retrospect, I think there was just a miscommunication from the beginning. We envisioned & assumed different things. And that in itself, was nobody’s fault, really.
Everything full-frame — shot on the RED Scarlet — was photographed by Gabby (footage in the Prologue only).
It actually doesn’t say “Prologue” in the official, other version of TUBcake. It should. It’s supposed to. It did at some point. The title just must have gotten accidentally removed somehow & I never noticed until it was uploaded & shared with people. And, it’s true, I could have nipped it in the bud — fixed it & uploaded a new version. But, sometimes things just are the way they are.
I’m actually operating this Bolex shot in the previous. I’m shooting with the Bolex for the first time, hand-operating, in not a great deal of light, with a group of girls I hardly knew, some of which had made me cry only hours earlier. We had just arrived, & we were already losing light. And here I am, on-camera shooting my first official shots at my second-chance at film school — first short film in five years, with personal content close to my heart. I just had to wing it with the Bolex. And just “perform” from my gut, the truth of that moment.
All things considered, I’m rather proud of how the 16mm footage turned out from that first day of (pre-)shooting. Sick from stress, running on adrenaline. But, I just trusted myself. Dug deep. Believed! Threw up a prayer & just pulled it off.
All the 4:3 (black bars) color 16mm in the Prologue was shot on the very first roll of film from the pre-shoot with pre-Janus.
This is as far as I got in the edit by the end of the Spring Semester. After “Prologue"… it just said, “To be Continued…” I took a B- & an extension over the Summer, a better grade promised upon completion.
Then… it was summer. And, I was burned out. And then, the summer continued to burn me away until only new, pink skin remained. It wasn’t until late July that I was able to revisit the edit, clearer in the head, and somewhat de-misty-eyed.
Ready, you could say.
The song is Sonic Youth: “Anagrama.” If I’m ever in need of visceral, non-verbal soundtrack, the Sonic Youth discography always provides. I find it & lay it down as soon as I need it, and I edit to it, more-or-less, and then lace the words in on top.
There’s that drone again. I love the way the sun reflects off the windshield, like the SpaceMan descending to Earth (though this shot is actually reversed).
This b-roll was shot by Crystal. I loved discovering it. She arrived first on the scene for the pre-Janus shoot and captured a lot of stunning atmospheric clips of the location.
The rest of the crew — riding with me — were delayed for several reasons.*
Crystal’s cool footage was captured in 4k on the GH4. And, I use a smattering of her shots throughout the film. Our budding friendship was one of the true triumphs of my experience with pre-Janus - plus, her wonderful footage was a mega a bonus!
I finished writing the rest of the Prologue voice-over in late July, the words finally emerging from the fog in my head, as if revealed to me. I recorded it on the Rode App on my iPhone in the University’s “sound room” - a DIY soundproof space in the bowels of the Art Building. One of the professors built it with his own, scraped-together materials. And, I’ve become ridiculously fond of it, romantic about it’s punk rock nature, self-aggrandizing my own graduation of sorts from the slick recording booths & fancy foley stage of my last school (who I felt like had rejected me) to a truly, raw artistic atmosphere.
“Document everything…” It always seemed obvious to me growing up that the scriptures* were really just communal diaries,** our most sacred texts technically the records of people’s “real” lives.
So, I always kept my own diaries, too. It only made sense to me that I should keep my own sacred record of my personal divine story, as well. But, I ended up self-destructing diaries as soon as I would start them. Paranoid my brothers would snatch them & tease me mercilessly for the contents. Or worse, my saintly mother would snoop & love me somehow less.
Here’s the reverse — the pre-Janus crew on 16mm.
I realized later that Gabby & I just had different ideas about what the women’s film would be from the very beginning. At the time, I was totally blind to the the heartache I was heading into sparked by miscommunication & marked by misunderstanding. Too optimistic & probably more confident than I’d been in a long time — with my new bleached hair & my new boyfriend, too — you know, my boy, Jose. #MANonCampus
We first went out days after I’d first responded to Gabby’s email, committing to the project. It was about two weeks later when the women’s production had their first meeting. Gabby & I had planned the meeting together. She was rallying the troops & I was working on the idea. And, we had planned to shoot the Prologue sequence just two days after the meeting.
I arrived that day with Jose in tow because we’d had what we thought was a great idea which was for Jose to make a documentary about the women’s production for his final project for our Women Directors class (for which the film was going to count as a combined group project for those involved). We thought it brilliantly solved the problem of exclusivity the group was already experiencing. And, I guess, in hindsight, maybe it did just make me feel better knowing he’d be there.
But, Gabby… she was livid from the get-go, offended we would make such an assumption. She said we’d let the group decide. But then, straight-out-of-the-gate at the meeting, she started in with explaining the situation with a slanderous tone, painting Jose to be a presumptive male seeking to soil the sanctity of the project, & me his docile female who needed the orbit of my man to function. It was heated, quickly, girls getting triggered & venting the products of seeds of outrage likely planted by other men. I did my best to defend us, but I was bowled over. I looked around the table & realized no one was there for me. They were Gabby’s friends & students. I’d perhaps never felt so publicly subjugated & powerless to stop it. Jose tried to defend himself, too, but he got defensive that read as angry, which just played into the narrative they were spinning of the inherently negative male presence.
So, he leaves. And then, Gabby turns to me. She says, “Now, Bethany, why don’t you tell us about the story?”
It was very clear to me what the instructions of the SpaceMan would be. Document, then christen. It was obvious. Though I left The Church years ago, I never outgrew a sense of ritual, the power of making something sacred just by believing it so. the ability of humans to imbue things with meaning.
I always knew I had it.*
This shot was picked up the final day of shooting. Notice the fresh black fingernails? And the black bars on the top and bottom to signify Doug’s GH5…
I made it through the pre-Janus meeting alive, feeling like I had to prove to them I could still do it without Jose, sort of boxed in to that situation now. Plus, I already had the roll of film & scheduled the bus in Monroe & wrote the script for the Prologue — this footage — we were set to film two days later.
I sent the script out to the group of 4 other female grad students who were committed to crew. Then, 9am the next morning - an hour before we’re supposed to meet to carpool - I get a call from Gabby saying we need to meet about the script ASAP - that (the woman we’ll call) Marg* is very offended.
So, I quickly pick up donuts & drinks & rush to the school so I can sit & have Marg lay into me for hours about how inappropriate & sacrilegious the script is (turns out Marg’s an LA Mormon), & she says can’t be a part of it. Gabby, though also Mormon, was not exactly offended at all by the concept, she just jumped on adding that the script was trying to make the project all about me. Granted, I see now the validity to both of their perspectives. But at the time, I felt totally bludgeoned.
After hours of what felt like being ripped to pieces for having the vulnerability to try & do the very thing I’d been rejected to try in the past & fought so hard to be trying again… And, things were going just about as disastrously as possible.
I broke down. I cried. It was embarrassing. They said we shouldn’t even shoot anything that day. But, I steadied myself & calmly stated that I had a roll of film I had to shoot & a bus in Monroe I’d already paid to reserve. So, I was going. And if anyone would still be willing to, I’d really like some help. And to their credit, they all decided to come along eventually.
We ended up bonding some over the long drive & the rushed shooting. And we did shoot a little slice of the footage together that is irreplaceable — foundational — to what the film becomes. It was a trial by fire, and a literal baptism, by the end.
I got this cake from Mrs. Bracker’s Bakery. It’s just, like, classic cake. Close to where I lived, I got most of my sweets there religiously for a period. I like how everything is pink inside: pink boxes, pink napkins, even pink receipts.*
This shot is reversed... because I’m about to delay the action. And, the coloring is hyper-manipulated on purpose. Each of the RED Scarlet frames shot by Gabby have different, specific colorations meant to emphasize the patchwork effect of the cutting & atomize each of the shots making an inter-related mosaic instead of cohesion yet.
This shot is a blip from a clip of footage in my brother’s wedding video Atlantic & I shot in the Summer of 2010, before Chapman. We are interviewing people asking them what advice they had for the new couple. Grandma’s words end the whole sequence & echo irrevocably in her absence: “Just be happy.”
This shot is the first in a pocket of footage shot by Jose at the clothesline of my old apartment in The Ave’s. I was editing at school and had so much more to say. But, basically, ran out of footage for a portion. Quickly, I set Jose on the errand of shooting additional b-roll on his Sony to literalize the laundry paradigm I’m about to employ. It was perfect, too, because he was always the one doing laundry during this period. I was never home on Thursdays which was my day to use the room.
This story happened in December of 2015. It was after the road-trip with Atlantic & we were staying at my parent’s for a few months because we were broke. We were working remotely on a couple closed-captioning jobs & would have enough to get back to Texas once that money came through. But for a minute, we were stuck. And, things were not going well for us.
We had promoted the road-trip and the “movie” we were filming a lot on social media; there were certainly rumors in the family grapevine. Bethany was making “The Ex-Mormon Movie…” And the project was — essentially — about us, and it was obvious we weren’t really doing so hot. We couldn’t hide it.
Most people would kindly avoid the subject with us, family avoiding contention, not wanting to make us (more) uncomfortable. Or, not wanting to feel the discomfort themselves that inquiring would provoke. Either way, I was grateful for it. But Grandma was different; she had a way of being blunt on a subject everyone else would strictly avoid.
Atlantic & I decorated her house with her that Christmas, a cherished benefit of being home for weeks at a time for the first time in nearly ten years. And little did I know, it’d be the last opportunity to do so. She passed soon after New Year.
Atlantic was downstairs stringing garland or something, and it was just the two of us arranging fake poinsettias. And she just said it, straight out, that she didn’t agree with what I was doing — making public, personal (albeit irreverent) art. “Too confessional…” That’s verbatim. Granted, there was reason for concern on her part at that point. And, I hadn’t always acted appropriately. But, the truth was that I was struggling.
“It’s not ladylike to air one’s dirty laundry for the world to see…” That’s verbatim, too. Sometimes there are moments in life that cement themselves perfectly onto the memory, recallable with photographic perfection. I remember replying, almost instinctively: “Well, I don’t think it’s very nice to hide it.” I remember her surprise, looking up at me — wide-eyed behind her glasses — from her humble, nightgown-clad stature.
It was suddenly vitally important to me in that moment that she not reject me completely. I was already feeling crazy in my my own compulsions, could feel my parents’ sadness boiling over, my own relationship with Atlantic eroding at break-neck speed… I suddenly, desperately needed her to understand me.
In reality, my response was much longer. I neurotically launched into a whole speech about my passionate belief in the power of transparency — that I believe it’s necessary to open up & share candidly about our own struggles through art to promote greater empathy & connectivity. I told her that when I was struggling with leaving The Church, I had ached for artwork to grasp on to, narratives to identify with, so I wouldn’t feel so alone. I told her that I truly felt inspired to perform it like a vulnerable kind of practiced altruism.
I remember seeing the muscles in her face start to soften, moved by my earnestness, surely, & then also by my words. Though not entirely wrong herself, I could see her starting to entertain the idea that maybe I wasn’t all wrong either.
This is when I tell her the thing I’ve always thought — that The Scriptures were really just communal diaries. And, I see her eyebrows furrow further… So, I see the chance to make it personal… to see if she could at all relate somehow from her own experience, hungry for any signs of merciful validation.
I ask her to consider if there might be anything sort of embarrassing, private, and definitely “unladylike” that she does sometimes only when alone that she might be willing to record if the act of sharing would comfort another lonely, imperfect woman somewhere & make her feel less alone in her ways.
I’ll never forget the way she squinted, so happy I was getting through to her — even if only a little bit for a small moment. She really considered the hypothetical for a minute. Then contemplation melted into a smirk — amusement. She reached an answer decidedly — leaning in to me, whispering salaciously:
“I’d eat cake on camera.”* We both burst into giggles. I don’t know if I’d ever laughed with her so hard. It was a moment. We really shared something that transcended all the rules & the red tape. For a moment, we were just two human women. Even though I knew she would never really get me, I felt perfectly in that moment that I was witnessed & I was loved regardless.
I asked her a couple times in the following weeks if she’d let me shoot a little sequence of her eating cake, but she always brushed it off & acted somewhat blushingly. I bet she never knew what a nourishing gift that moment was to me. And, I was just grateful it happened — that she’d opened up to me.
I never told Atlantic the story, or my mother, for that matter. It was our little secret. And not long after Christmas, Grandma passed. Unexpectedly, painlessly. I saw her that night in the hospital; she held my hand & assured me she wasn’t done yet.
From then on, I carried her words as my silent mantra… the metaphor for why I do what I do — in words my Grandmother understood — why I push so hard to make art that’s hard to make in the first place. I feel, in my heart, she is proud of me.
I can’t eat cake without thinking of Grandma Hazel anymore. Then, about my art. And then, habitually, like a cerebral trinity, I think about eating cake as a ritualistic sacrifice to my tummy.
In the throes of my sickest moments — misdiagnosed, uninsured, medically jaded & insomniatic — I would lie awake at night on the balcony of my apartment with Atlantic in Dallas. For hours I’d smoke cigarettes & listen to the late-night traffic pass on the freeway next to me… & I’d just tune into the pain & supercut together sequences in my brain to personify my discomfort using images I’d already seen…
So, when I embarked on a project meant to illustrate some of my experience dealing with my illness, I knew I had to manifest these yet-unseen edits from the inner-workings of my mind.
This sequence was perhaps the first piece I edited for TUBcake.
I used to look up images of black holes a lot. Not really because I was interested in the infinite mysteries of outer space but more because it somehow seemed to explain to me the sensation I was feeling in my own body. I’m not kidding.
Alice in Wonderland was often a visual pool I’d pull from in my little psycho-edits. Something about her wide-eyed journey in darkness & madness… trippy-accurate for girlish insomniacs.
Theodore first showed me Forbidden Zone in Fall 2016, I think. Not only did I instantly fall for the bizarre, low-budget antics — these stomach-like dramatizations of the portal were uncanny in their accuracy of my own inner-imaginings. I knew instantly I’d use these images in some forthcoming project.
The Sandlot. This scene is essential personification for the perpetually-nauseous media-obsessed. I spent years feeling constantly on the tilt-o-whirl with a mouth full of tobacco.
Projection was the final piece to the personifying puzzle — to somehow tie the mashed-up visuals to the context of my literal middle. Jose shot this for me in the color grading room at the U on the little pico projector my parents got me for Christmas that was just like the one I used to have with Atlantic. Projection, overall, has been a compulsion for quite some time.*
Stock footage ink blots like these — I felt poisoned. And, color bars. And, TV static. This is how it felt. I’d envision it.
Yep — that was a blip of a hamburger. It just felt right.
Hexxus* was probably the single-most metaphorically referenced representation in my meditative supercuts.
I would picture this The Magic School Bus sequence, too, when the whole class shrinks down and travels through one of the student’s digestive tracts. I hadn’t seen it over a decade but somehow, it stuck with me & was a rather primary way my body tried to picture what the f*ck was happening inside. I finally found the clip to include here & it felt like sanity.
Kolob is the planet where God lives (in Mormonism).*
These butterflies are from Daisies — a film I first saw during Spring semester when I was working on TUBcake that was artistically stimulating & stylistically inspiring. This visual made it into my edit — meant both to play on the idea of nervous butterflies in the stomach & call upon the feminine condition of pinned-prize that tends to cause womanly anxiety.
This is Maya Deren’s eye from Meshes of the Afternoon… meant to imply the cipher inside of me. Deren is the first female filmmaker that I know of to put herself in her own films. I learned about her in the Fall semester ‘17 & couldn’t shake the unsettling feeling conjured by the evocative little narrative.
This is the first original piece of music written specifically for TUBcake, “Across the Diamond Sea” - by Theodore after I showed him the footage. We reconnected for a while after shooting, & the music written for the project during that time is a gift of that brief reunion. Our whole time together, when he was oozing brilliant music in every direction & I was creatively dried-up, I’d fantasize about collaborating someday, hoping I’d eventually break-through my writer’s block & impress him with some art like he was always impressing me.
It was definitely consciously heart-breaking when I had to step away from that relationship in order to make TUBcake happen. But like divine mercy, my dream to still have his music part of the product was still in the cards to come true. The sound here is inspired by the footage at the Salt Flats. But, as I listened to it over & over again on my drive to work for months, I knew long before I edited the sequence together that this was the perfect moment to use it — a meditative preparation for the journey about to take place. When I finally got to this point in the edit, I was baffled by how seamlessly the footage fit. But at the same time, not surprised at all. It just made sense somehow — cosmic, destined, meant-to-be sense. It’s the perfect sound.
We shot this sequence day two of principal photography after arriving to Mystic Hot Springs with the skeleton crew, right after Jose had filmed me with Moroni in the car actually on our way to set. We worked quickly & methodically that day, the setting sun an ever-present reminder of our urgency & yet we were not over-stressed, even me. It was just so beautiful. Misty. So much better than imagined. Really, perhaps some of my favorite footage in the whole thing. From here on, we mainly see footage from Doug’s GH5 (with the black bars on the top and bottom — the idea was to have intentional & identifiable shifts in format) intermixed with 16mm film from the Bolex.
Doug - Lord love him - quickly adapted a color LUT he’d used on a different project & applied it to this footage. He’s a sought-after colorist in LA, & I was lucky to get to score his leftovers. The product is to-die-for at an important moment in the piece.
It was Doug’s idea to start on the Bolex swinging in my hand & then tilt up behind me. Another favorite moment of mine.
The wording here is meant to mimic scripture, like the story of the prophet Elisha who told Naaman to go bathe in the River Jordan to heal his leprosy but he was too proud to do it.*
I’m not actually operating the Bolex during this sequence; it had to be shot separately. See, our camera developed a sort of defect where the crank handle wouldn’t lock back in place, so instead would wind around while shooting, gently knocking into you. It would have been far too comical & unexplainable at this juncture. Plus, Doug’s operation is far superior to mine.
Notice this time around, I haven’t blacked out the scanning affectation to the left of the film. This is how the frame actually looks when scanned into the computer & digitized. This marks the shift from the first roll of film I shot with pre-Janus & the color film that comes afterwards. Little by little, we start seeing further & further behind the curtain.*
“Mad” meaning both angry and crazy… a nod to Alice’s Hatter.
That moment gets me every time… “Loneliness is a sickness, too, you know.” I can read the real pain in my face… & hope. I remember what it felt like that day, at once so moved it was all happening & afraid I wouldn’t know what to do with it. And, I cannot help but echo upon all the latent pain still aching up inside of me… Theodore… Atlantic… Janus… Chapman… The Church… my family… all of it. All of it at the same time.
I love this shot featuring the Bolex. I feel such an affection for the contraption now, even more than that literal moment. It’s become a cipher for the new age of my art & a metaphor for my fusion of the old & the new inside myself & without.
I shot this little frantic, on-the-fly sequence after the wrap of shooting on day two. The sun had already dropped & I didn’t have a light meter with me… So, I just opened the aperture as wide as it would go & threw up another prayer to the film Gods. I knew I needed a POV sequence leading me to The Tub (a.k.a. my about-to-be baptismal font). And, I wanted to show a glimpse of the other, tubs, too — to plant the idea that there are more, foreshadowing the empty bathing vessels that will deliver her friends by the end.
I love the shot walking up to The Tub… It’s a miracle the exposure turned out so perfectly. That’s a real, in-camera cut to the perspective behind the tub — a view that foreshadows camera placement at the end. I also love how the footage turned out as I dragged the lens along the edge of the tub, the sensation has a worshipful feel to it. I had no official frame of reference regarding focus. But, I knew it’d be shallow with my aperture so wide, so I just sort of guessed & fate made it work.
This transitions back to the last of the footage shot by Gabby with pre-Janus — notice the full-frame ultra HD look of the RED Scarlet. This is also the set-up that images were drawn from for the Janus ads. And, I adore the image with all its loaded meaning. I like the way I look. Not because I think I look good. But the footage, does. And I look so real. Candid. Earnest. Literally heartbroken but persisting, trusting.
I love the symbolism of stripping off the layers, my clothes — each piece emphatically me. I’ve had that jean jacket for years. It’s been with me on every one of my film sets. I got that yellow flannel for my birthday last year from my Mom (from a wishlist I’d picked out myself). I wore it the whole time during my first trip to the Mystic Hot Springs with Theodore. That Iggy Pop — Lust for Life tank top is one of my single-most favorite items of clothing ever, purchased at some boutique in Dallas at some point. Iggy Pop has been a personal idol ever since reading Please Kill Me in college. It’s a power shirt — a comfort outfit, something I pull out when I need a little extra oomph.
I always liked those sweatpants because they’re just comfy. But, my brother says they make my butt look saggy. The swimsuit is two different pieces: the top, bought years ago in LA in the first crop of bikinis I ever bough myself (it had been a favorite of Atlantic & Theodore & thus a go-to suit in my wardrobe for quite some time, which is why it’s now faded & nearly stretched beyond recognition), the bottoms I bought once at DI on my way to an impromptu camping trip at Yuba.*
A bikini, in itself, has always been a sort of symbol to me of freedom, confidence, & personal ownership. In my film (inspired by true events), What Happens in Arizona *, the main character, a Mormon teen, has a near-spiritual experience wearing a bikini for the first time.
I rather adore my reference to the SpaceMan as my “Fairy Moroni Godfather.”* It’s conflating the concept of Cinderella’s “Fairy Godmother” with Joseph’s Angel Moroni — meant to be both humorous & earnest. Sort of like the junior companion Elder in The Book of Mormon Musical who conflates Book of Mormon stories with Star Wars & the like, I revered the Joseph Smith story growing up with the same reverence as princess stories — both were credence of my own destiny.
There was so little light by the time we got to the tub. Elizabeth — love her — had a light on a stand extended all the way held up way high, the end leveraging against her abdomen. And to her credit, Marg really talked me through the end here. I had to undress & stay barefooted in the cold for quite some time before I got in the tub. And then, it burned ridiculously on my nearly-numb skin when I finally got in. Marg helped direct me back to my own intention, trusting her voice from off-camera who had eyes on my face. It can be hard to open back up to those who sting us, but more often than not, they didn’t intend what it was you felt. And, I came to learn so much more about Marg & all the other girls through the shoot, soaking in the tubs together afterwards under the stars, & then the long drive home later that night. Everyone has their own struggles. Our perspective is always only one of many. And, yes, it’s our job to “add our verse”* — but never to claim ownership of the whole collection. I find it beautiful that even though we obviously could not continue the project together, the footage we captured together through struggle is beautiful after-all.
After the pre-Janus shoot I couldn’t get out of bed for days, my stomach pain had been so provoked by the anxiety of the experience that I was nearly incapacitated. Needless to say, I respectfully extricated myself from their project after that. I said we should both feel free to use the material we shot together. And even though it was oh so necessary to make the rest of the film unattached — I could never deny that the pre-Janus experience was a formative influence in what TUBcake became, & who I became in order to make & finish the film.
My gut. Get it?
That “here goes nothing” pricks me every time I watch — I didn’t even realize then (any of the “thens” — writing, filming, voiceover recording, editing…) that what I’m also saying is “here goes nothing” with the film… the vulnerability to try for things that scare me… equating the call to be an artist with following the SpaceMan’s instructions, evoking the power of my own self-made trinity: “my Grandmother, the SpaceMan, and myself… “ This initiates the launch into a religious landscape of my own collection & construction. Have fun. Amen.*
This isn’t me, obvi. This is stock footage overlaid with the pink end of my 16mm roll, “A girl underwater .. HD free stock footage.” Bits of writing snake by on the tail of the film. Then more stock footage, “Free Slow Motion Footage rising air bubble.” Colors.*
There’s that “Play” screen again… Hint: It’s a story within a story, a movie within a movie, like a psychedelic Hamlet.*
I repeat some images here (though remixed with water overlays) to link this sequence to the personification of my stomach. The idea is that the tub activates my inner black-hole portal, thus allowing me to travel “inside myself” to fix what’s broken, my own holy Magic School Bus experience. But the images extend from there into new territory…
We see Alice, further down the rabbit hole. The little fat boy in Matlida forced to eat a whole chocolate cake as punishment (in a scene both grotesque & iconic), that ends up being a triumph because of the support of his peers, much to the dismay of mean Mrs. Trunchbull. Plus, water overlaid to reinforce the idea of this portal-travel happening through a baptismal current.
This is, like, a clip from a black hole video overlaid with a POV video of someone pouring soda in a cup?
It occurred to me sometime later in the edit that I should go back & re-emphasize the “bathe three times” thing… circa 90s-style flashbacks that lead the audience by the hand. Slowed the voice down a bit for that deep, warped effect. It fit perfectly over this little piece of footage & I’m pleased with it.
Lots of weird little sound effects mixed in here, too. Perhaps the most intricate sonic landscape I’ve ever designed myself, all with sounds found on YouTube. Here it’s one of the many sounds I use from a video called, “POPULAR WHOOSH SOUND EFFECTS FOR EDITS.”
Maya Deren again. Watching from above.
Bubble stock footage. This is a portal by immersion.*
The soundtrack is an excerpt of Mae’s “Prologue” to their 2005 album The Everglow, a part where they “preview” the first few sounds of every track under the conceit that you’ll know when to turn the page (to the booklet that accompanies the compact disc) “when you hear this sound,” evoking the format of old book tapes from my childhood. No single album better encapsulates the mood of my teenage years. I was obsessed.
So, when the time came to find the soundtrack for this first little portal-whirl, it was almost a no-brainer… immediately I heard the creepy, little voice in my head: “I hope you enjoy your journey…” — like the child-like ghost of Christmas past.*
The twister sequence from The Wizard of Oz. The other classic, dizzying scene that used to ruminate through my brain while dwelling on the pain. Perfect personification of transportive distress. And, then my mind would habitually wander onto the topic of what a dumb b*tch Dorothy is in the beginning — wide-eyed & child-like. What a dumb b*tch I was once. And then, I’d reflect on how used up I felt after just one scarecrow. I had always loved the film, but not, “There’s no place like home."*
That’s “HOLY” written across a heart monitor line. At some point before doing the stomach supercut edit, I knew I’d want to incorporate flashes of the word “HOLY.” So, I collected a pool of black backgrounds & made a series of HOLYs over the various background & then dipped from that pool in the edit.
To be honest, I don’t really remember what that fire in from. Weird. It’s become a mystery again to me.
Color Bars. The ultimate, atomizing motif. Reminding us that all things are just a sum of their parts. And, we’re all just one part of a greater plan, played out in yellow, magenta, and cyan.
Yes, that’s a Mario sound effect — the sound it makes when he enters into one of the green pipes & is TRANSPORTED INTO A NEW DIMENSION. Get it?*
We were supposed to shoot these titles* at the Salt Flats. But, there wasn’t a second of spare time for anything non-essential. So, the titles got bumped to the third day. We picked up these shots after shooting the very end sequence in the bus & before shooting “3” up at the tubs. I love how they turned out.
Check out this cute little bb felt board.
Two things (two personal pleasures): the fact that the arrow on the board was pointing left & Jose exits right instead. AND, the old-school, StarWars-style transition. SO COOL. #amiwipe?
This is GoPro footage, shot by Doug actually at the Salt Flats location. Shout out to Joel Terry for letting me borrow his GoPro, again.* I just decreased the saturation to make it b&w.
Oh, & I slowed it down — the clip. Has a cool effect, doesn’t it?
BJB POV emerging from portal tub into the vision-scape…
At first, I did a couple takes coming out of the water & then grabbing the camera and putting it to my eye, one pretty funny outtake where I put it to my face backwards, disoriented. But then, I think it was Linds’ idea to just have me come out of the tub with it already to my face. And, in the edit, that was clearly the correct choice. When directing & being on-camera at the same time, it’s important to have trusted eyes behind the lens.
The Salt Flats were the first day of principal shooting, out at the Bonneville Speedway. It was rather cold that day… And, yes — that water in the tub with me was freezing. We’d brought my Pop’s generator with the intention of boiling water with an electric kettle to warm up the water in the tub. Good plan, right? But, we couldn’t get the generator to start. And, at some point Jose tries to put the electric kettle on the open burner of a propane grill, & starts a small fire. All of this happens while I’m stranded out in the tub before the water is poured in. It takes us four hours to get the first shot off — this first shot.*
The Super 8 camera was my Grandpa Burr’s. He’s my only living grandparent, the man to thank for my last namesake. A hard-nosed, small-town, depression-era, ex-principal & football coach. We are not now nor were we ever “close,” But, I do have one specific memory of him teaching me to fish when I was little. And another of him teaching me checkers when my parents were with my brother at the hospital starting chemotherapy. There was an influence there, if mostly silent, if somewhat obscured by awkwardness. I had always known casually that he had an affinity for photography. But, I had never made the connection to my own visual artistry, until my Pop gifted his old cameras to me after cleaning out his storage shed to sell the house after Grandma Burr passed. I am proud to own them, seer devices passed on to me by my father’s father.*
We couldn’t actually get the Super 8 to work, though. Some batteries were sort of corroded inside of it, & I tried to clean it out. And, Doug tried to load in the film I bought for it after putting in new batteries &… nada. So, Doug actually shot this POV on his GH5 & then colored & textured it to replicate Super 8 black & white film. And, it’s rather perfect.
Yes, that’s a type-writer sound effect. It’s meant to reference Daisies, again. In a scene (or scenes?), a typewriter sound effect is heard rather randomly over the audio-track. Unexplained & unacknowledged. To me, it was a reminder of the scripted nature of the dialogue, the made quality to the whole charade, reminding us of the wizard marionette pulling the Daisies* dollies strings behind the camera in the places you can’t see.
So, the same effect is intended for my typewriter effect. We’ll hear the sound every time our girl* “documents” in the vision landscape, accenting the act of transcription but also highlighting the fact that it’s all fiction. This is the first shot where the audience gets to see behind the scenes — a view of the camera itself outside of the context of our heroine’s live view. Slowly from this catalyst, the spectator will see further & further beyond the curtain of the Great & Powerful Oz.
The water at the Salt Flats was perfect that day. Only about an inch deep. Fate — it really was. I went back a few months later & it was totally dried up. Tire tracks all over. That would have been awful. But this day, looking this way… sign from on high.
The outfit is two-part inspired: Patti Smith, of course — polaroid cover to debut album Horses (shot by Robert Mapplethorpe); and, Annie Hall (& although I don’t know how to feel or talk about Woody Allen anymore, I can’t help the fact that that movie — & most especially Diane Keaton’s brilliant, neurotic performance — changed my life & art forever).
I lied. Three-part inspired, I guess. Because, of course it’s also supposed to evoke a pseudo new-age femme missionary, too.
We probably did the most takes of any for this first shot. Took us a minute to get it exactly the way we wanted to. Doug, Lord love him, operating two cameras (he’d start the Bolex and then run to get into position for the GH5). And remember, it’s cold outside & the water is freezing by this point. It did start off lukewarm. A few miles away was a gas station with an Indian restaurant attached to it. As luck had it, our producer happened to be Indian. Sid quickly befriended the owners and they heated up a giant tub of water for me that Sid & Jose delivered back to the set. This huge show of kindness & luck at least made it possible — got me in the tub with the water in a way that I could stand it… until it slowly cooled to frigidity.
Each time I dunked back under the water, it took so much self control, so much commitment. But, everybody was there. In the cold. Hours & hundreds of miles from home. For me. So I could do this thing. I had to follow through with what I came to do… no matter how hard or physically uncomfortable it was.
The music is by Theodore again. Not written for the film, but poached from the front of a song for his forthcoming album. It was funny to find after we reconnected after a silent period to find that I was working on a movie with a SpaceMan & he was writing music with spacey themes… serendipitous.
Originally, I had planned to have water in the tub the whole time. I thought we’d keep pumping it with hot kettles of water, heated with the generator. Maybe a little prune-y & uncomfortable, but doable, I thought. Hardcore, I thought.
But, no… Oh, no… HELL NO, when it came down to it. No generator. No time to shuttle giant tubs of water back & forth to the Indian restaurant… And after one shot, I was shuddering. My brain was starting to get fuzzy. After we finished takes for just the first set-up… Jose came and got me out of the tub, wrapped me up, carried me to the car for me to warm up. We turned the heater on & he held me for a minute, & I just knew immediately, just obviously, that I needed to cut the water. I mean, we saw me come up from the water. That was fine, right? It’s a f*cking dream / vision / whatever anyway. I’ll just stand up with wet hair & it’ll be dry when I stand. No rules. I make the rules. I tell Jose to go drain the water & tell the others.
Jose comes back to the car with Doug. He says everyone else was out there discussing how they were going to get through to me I needed to cut the water. No one was going to let me continue to do that to myself all day. I really appreciated that. I asked Doug to get some GoPro stuff & then go ahead and drain the tub — just get some footage of it draining. All I need.
And you know what, it’s really better this way. It really is.
That chain is sort of the remnant of an aborted idea. I had to drop a lot of details to make the essentials work on game day. But really, I was trying too hard to explain everything. It was clear to me when it came down to it what was essential & what wasn’t. There was a whole part about me being chained to the tub & pulling out keys from my mouth (a lá Meshes in the Afternoon) until I finally find the right key that unlocks the chain. The whole bit got dropped, but I liked the idea of just leaving the chain there (I mean, since I already had somebody affix it to the tub) as just sort of the suggestion that I was chained, without having to over-emphasize it. I still like it.
I like how you can briefly glimpse the Bonneville Speedway sign in the background here before the letterboxes appear & give us our 4:3 frame, a little Easter egg clue to the world outside the void. This is the only sequence where I use black letterboxes with the black & white film. If you noticed, in the previous sequence, I zoomed in on the black & white film for the illusion of the full frame. I wanted the aesthetics to progress. First, feeling wide open & expansive. Then, somewhat siphoned.
The knock was a hard sound to get right. How does it sound when one’s knocking from another dimension?? I first tried this one, but it wasn’t quite right, you know? Then I tried this one, & I think it was finally the right fit. Good amount of echo.
This was perhaps one of the most particular pieces of performance I needed to nail… We did a couple takes here, too, trying to massage out the right reaction to seeing The Door. I wanted Her to look unsurprised — reluctant — guilty, almost. It’s an important shift from the wonder of having arrived & the face-the-music of finding out you’re not alone here. Finally, we ended up putting Lindsey right to the side of camera. I’m actually looking at her as my eye-line for the door during this take, and that warranted the right performance. In her eyes, she helped trigger the well of sadness inside of me, the pain.
I’m rather in love with the little affectations of the Bolex… they make great transitions, especially for the reveal of the SpaceMan’s Holy, floating, divine door in the vision wasteland.
Sometime in the early Fall of 2017, before my birthday & discovering Mystic Hot Springs, I went on a little overnight trip with Theodore to Wendover with some of his friends. On the way out, we stopped at the Bonneville Speedway. There was a small film crew out there with a door… a floating door. They had drove the door all the way from Los Angeles. I was obsessed with the door. What a cool idea — what a visual. They let me and B.P. take a bunch of pictures with it, the Posies playin’ in my head: “It’s a definite door to another dimension…”
I remember thinking — on that day I swear to you — “I’m going to come back here one day with my own door, a better door, & I’m gonna film my own portal better than these guys did…”
Now, I’m sure their film was fine… They were super nice. It wasn’t really about them at all. It was just a spark, you know? The image of it ignited my brain & planted the seed of an idea that would combine with all the rest in the TUBcake cauldron.
What’s funny is that the day we filmed, people came by & people took pictures with our stuff like I did with theirs. I even happened to meet a couple of the guys again later, sitting with the Bolex in The Joseph Smith building in Salt Lake after shooting a roll of b-roll for my forthcoming thesis. The camera attracted their attention, so they came over and said hi (as many people do when you carry around an old-school camera). I happened to mentioned I’d shot it out at the Salt Flats in the Spring with a bath tub, and Nick (one of the guys) responded, “And someone was carrying you?!” Yep, they were there. What are the chances? I shared the film with him & he shared some of his pictures with me. There’s sort of a synchronicity to it all… taking turns being spectators & performers, interwoven.
My Pop — Lord love him — made the door. I tried to handle it myself. I bought a door already on a frame from a nice, old carpenter in Heber named Theo. It was really heavy. I had no where to keep it & no way to make it stand. I broke down & brought it to my Pop. Asked him if he could help me make it stand. Told him, that when I used to go to film school in California & I never saw him, I’d always think to myself that if my Dad were here, I’d just have him build it. And now, I could.
He told me I got the wrong kind of door. This one was solid. It was too heavy. He said he knew where he could get a light one, a hollow one. He said to give him a few days & he’d get me a door that would stand up on it’s own — as if floating. He just wanted to know what color it should be. He’s a saint, really.
I told him I wanted it matte black.* Didn’t tell him I was going to spray paint “HOLY” on it before the shoot. I was a nervous mess in the days preceding. And, I both wanted & needed my parents help in the process. But, I was anxious as all hell being in such close proximity to them trying to do my “art” thing…
In the end, my Pop said the door nearly killed him. I neglected to factor in he’d had his knee replaced not too long ago, & his hands don’t work the way they used to.** He, like, really really came through for me on this one. Once he said he had it — I knew I could count on him. I would have a door come hell or high water. That’s the kind of Dad he always was. It’s true.
This was an important shot to me, the iconography. And, I love the way it turned out. LOVE it, with all the grain & everything.
Why am I not wearing pants, you might ask… I don’t really know. I just know, I never considered to have pants on. It just, sort of, made sense to me that I’d be in tights. There’s a literal-ness to it — the “caught without your pants on” euphemism for an unexpected & incriminating reckoning. And, there’s just something powerful about first owning the masculine, collared shirt-&-tie configuration. And then revealing the feminine, sexualized lower half, wild with a run in the tights. It’s the coexistence of the two, the simultaneousness that I love…
I kind of like how you can see the lip of the door here. Not too much to totally break the illusion… but the hint of some kind of smoke behind the metaphorical mirror, seams starting to show.
Lindsey helped me spray paint the “HOLY” on the door the day of shooting out at The Flats. At first, I thought I’d just spray it on. But, at some point we had the idea (was it hers? was it mine?) to outline the letters with tape and then paint the gold around them. I taped out the letters & then Linds sprayed the gold. The end effect was so much better than imagined. Seeing it there — my door — out on the flats was like the fulfillment of personal revelation — self-manifestation. Just months earlier I’d been there & sort of promised myself I’d return & I’d do this thing my way. And here I was, doing it. I had to recognize.
See, layers shed progressively. So far, we’ve seen the Bolex on it’s tripod, but he haven’t seen any more behind the scenes, the camera, the curtain… until now. The shift out another level of perspective is triggered by her second act of “documenting” — the second time we entered her Super 8 POV & heard the Daisies typewriter noise, reminding us that it’s all scripted, manipulated, being made before your eyes… So, when we cut out this time we see the whole crew for the first time* (along with the orange cooler** & a well placed apple-box / sand-bag.
If you look closely, you can see Jose cue me for the knocking of the door…
Again… I LOVE it. One of my favorite shots in the film. Simple.
And then to cut out to this shot… that’s exactly the vision. Except… haha… Jose, Lord love him, went out to adjust the placement of the tub. And when he came back… he forgot about the placement of the GH5… And, he stood exactly where the door is placed in the frame. Oh well… it works anyway :)
So, the idea here is that the door has smote me… the act of recording the door activated the response to be stricken down, to be marked across my flesh… to be humbled before the door.
This is* Allen Ginsberg reading (ironically) the Footnote to Howl. It was always him. It had to be him. This whole project was conceived with the actual, literal pieces of my personal scriptures. This moment was created with the necessary intention to play out with Ginsberg’s actual voice ringing out.
I look down to see myself afflicted with a literal sore to physicalize the pain I experience, a manifestation also of all my pain, phycological, too, sins, sadnesses, mistakes, sorrows… an aching sore to represent all my personal stuff that Mormonism taught me I’d need an atonement to take away.* My life burden.
Contextualizing this wound with Ginsberg’s words seeks to purify all that is real, all that is natural, all that is and thus is holy. The Footnote continues… “The world is holy! The soul is holy! The skin is holy! The nose is holy! The tongue and cock and hand and asshole holy! Everything is holy! everybody’s holy! everywhere is holy!” It’s a blessing, an anthem, a decree. It’s just so me. Discovering Howl made me feel okay as I am.
You can’t really tell, but it says “HOLY” on my belly. The “O” being the big, oozing sore. I can’t tell you how satisfying it was to see the pain I feel on the inside ALL THE TIME (literally allllll the time) actually physicalized in a way everyone could SEE on the OUTSIDE of my body. It felt like sanity. *
Collateral under-boob. I mean, I didn’t really mean to show it. But, I really didn’t shy away from showing it either. I mean, it’s there. The pain lives right under there. Naturalized, not over-emphasized nudity is what I’m all about, & what I try to practice. Oddly enough, I rather like that the raciest part of my film is under-boob, because it’s a rather over-looked & under-appreciated slice of the breasts. I’d argue equally sexy if not even sexier than its cousin the side-boob. #shouldWEvote?
Also, my mood ring… I should mention it. I just didn’t think to mention it until now. I wear it throughout the whole thing (except the end, where maybe I wear the Butt Club ring… I’ll have to check…) Anyway, it’s become one of my main talismans to represent the “new” me — post-Atlantic, ex-Texas me. New, filmmaker-on-her-own me. But, the funny thing is, that Atlantic technically gave it to me. The last care package he ever sent me, several weeks after we’d broken up but before we stopped talking altogether… He sent me an assortment of things. Gifts, writings, pictures, mix CDs… one last a&B thing. In it was this mood ring, too. Along with my favorite sleep shirt, my over-sized Kurt Cobain t-shirt. But, I don’t really ever think about him when I wear them, hardly really associate (except softly, continuously) with him at all. Just me. The new ME.*
My earrings here, I think they’re gold little hearts.
I like how you can see the blanket in the tub with me here… seeing further & further behind Oz’s curtain…* I also like how orange my hair looks in these color shots, a shocking difference from the black & white. My hair just dried that way that day, too. It got wet with the first shot, then just dried all wild.**
It was not hard to make those cries of pain. They’re real, more or less, a product of channeling in to the pain inside me, letting it pour out my vocal chords, all the day’s anxiety… Ah! I can feel the well of pain within me now… as I type in the dark… wrapped in blankets on my bed… the dark (w)hole inside me. Yeah, that noise describes it… perfectly.
I love how, when I throw my head back, the shape of my face matches the profile of the mountain… destined photography.
The first few notes of one of my favorite songs of all time*… It has to literally be this song for this moment. It just has to be…
I thought this shot turned out really pretty. Nice, tight grain on the film. Beautiful variety of grays in the depth. Decided to take it full frame again. Our girl opening up again, staring into the Bolex for the first time… seeing, acknowledging an off-screen character for the first time.
It’s Lindsey. My messenger. My friend-&-savior. Wearing her black hat she later gave to me which has become something of a signature in my look of late. She has a white rabbit tattoo on her face, but it’ll be hard to see it. She is the white rabbit in the story… the metaphorical initiator of my own little Wonderland journey. I’ve come to like how her Nike logo seems featured, too. Just do it… seems to be an unspoken forthcoming mantra.
I knew right where I wanted the lyrics to start… so I needed to stretch the song a bit. So, I slowed this section down, accenting the disorientation of the moment of shifting perspectives, our protagonist now seeing behind the curtain… It has a nice effect.
I made this logo last-minute at the equipment room at the U. Initially I wanted to design some kind of fancy, vintage, legit-lookin’ “logo” printed on like vinyl or something & designed by somebody better than me. BUT, I always have to sacrifice like 90% percent of my ideas to “reality.” So, I just buckled down & made some simple labels. And, you know, I really do like the simplicity of it after all. Necessity is the perfect curb to my grandeur. My version of Coco Chanel’s “take one thing off.”
BLEACH is both a baptismal reference* & Nirvana reference.**
And, that’s not the first time I’ve ever bleached myself at the Salt Flats.***
I love how the “BLEACH” dissolves over my face, like a pre-baptism across my forehead. My face does what I want it to here, looks humble, gracious, but strong, too, open, obedient.
Also a favorite frame of the film, certainly my favorite frame of Aaron Moura with the boom pole & his vape pen (making him, obviously, The Caterpillar of the story). We call this “the music video” shot because either Lindsey or Jose first said it looked like we were shooting a music video. It also features my cool, looks-like-an-old-phone lamp.
Patti’s words are EVERYTHING here… It had to be her literal voice… “Jesus died for somebody’s sins but not mine…” I’ve been transfixed ever since with the idea that I atone for my own sins; I carry the cross for my own pain. The point here is the ritualization of self-saving, self-redemption from victimization, the twisting of weakness into power through ownership of that pain & full frontal acknowledgment of it. It’s a baptism by burning over, a sort of chemical resurrection.
I decided to play this shot in slow motion & let it play a little longer than one might… I decided to lean in to the fact that at this point, this angle, this length, in HD digital color, you can sort of tell it’s a fake sore…. But, you see, that’s all part of it.
The vape cloud in this shot is really amazing. Another personal favorite detail. It’s not amazing when Jose blows them in regular places all day. But in this shot, it’s just so awesome for some reason. Got The Caterpillar* behind me, like a real Alice.
I screamed really loud. Aaron Moura flinched, rightfully.
The idea is that the BLEACH sends me down into the TUB portal again. The second “washing” thence commencing:
I shot this outside Jose’s old apartment in the Aves. I rented out the GoPro to take a little extra water footage & to take this shot specifically for this transition. I put on the white dress shirt my mom bought Jose for Easter* & a white plastic container that was full of fog machine juice (that looks sort of but not really at all like the BLEACH container it’s supposed to be mimicking). I still like the effect, and the black & white matches with the black & white GoPro at the beginning of the vision coming out of the water & through the drain.
This Exorcist clip comes straight from the original edit of “the stomach supercut,” here used at a moment of exorcism… metamorphosis, atonement, evolution, expectoration… #PAIN
This little bit was added in later, much later than the original stomach edit & later even than stitching this sequence into the larger film. Originally, there had been a shot from Scarface with Al Pacino in the tub, with images from Meshes in the Afternoon over the top… a key on a table, then a knife. But, I never really liked the way it played. It stopped the movement & in the end, it didn’t really mean anything to me. Other than the fact he was in a bath tub. I’d never even seen Scarface. I was supposed to be pulling from my sources. I was branching out too far. And one day, it was just clear to me what should go there. I’d been watching a lot of True Blood at the time, showing it to Jose for the first time, revisiting an old friend for my own sake. Every time I saw the credit sequence, I’d say to myself, I’m going to add that baptism shot into my stomach video. But then I’d forget & never remember when I was at my computer. Until finally, it occurred to me to explicitly reference The Matrix red / blue scene.* The two fit together like butter.
It’s Squeezit. Forbidden Zone, again. Another HOLY image I made in the menagerie created for these sequences.
Back to our stock footage water girl. Some more Alice. This time I let the girl’s face show more, her eye dip into frame. Seeing further behind the curtain again… showing it’s not me. It pleased me I was able to work the “EAT ME” CAKES into the picture. I had a whole bit planned out for The Salt Flats with my own set of “EAT ME” cupcakes, but we ended up having to cut it. We took turns holding them on our laps the whole ride to Wendover. They fell at some point for some reason & half of them were compromised. I got rather upset — the anxiety inside me reaching mass capacity. The next day on set, Linds spent considerable time re-crafting the words “EAT ME” in frosting across the top of the compromised cupcakes. I will never forget the look on Linds’ face when I came over & had to break the news to her that we were cutting the cupcakes. Dead inside, she reached for a cupcake & ate one in an entire bite. #SAVAGE
This is from the video for some free heartbeat sound effect I use here. I liked the visual so much I decided to use it in the film.
There’s Dorothy again. Falling back to Earth, again.
And some overlaid water stock footage, about to surface.
There’s something I really like about how the sound sequences here. The TV out to the smoke blow to the girl gasping… I don’t know. Something about it just indescribably works about it.
I can’t really explain why the gasping is there. I found it as a residually potentially useful piece of some other sound effect I was looking up. I think I did, at least. I don’t think I looked for it specifically. Maybe an off-shoot of the smoking inhalation. Functions as gasping for air, maybe? After coming out of water.
This is some smoke transition effect I found on the internet. I liked how Jose vaped over his “1_BleAch” sign. So, I tried to replicate the effect in the other two with make-shift methods.
I can’t remember if Doug took this shot on location Day One at The Salt Flats. Or, if I took this in the tub when it was on Jose’s little porch area at his old apartment in the Aves. I think it was the former. But the drain is the idea… The drain is supposed to take us out of the portal & back into the TUB in the vision.
Sometimes I just see footage as puzzle pieces. I saw this movement & knew I could use it on a transition. Then fade in on the film burn… that’s my kind of dot-to-to visual equation.
This is the widest film frame we’ve seen yet — the full frame of what the film looks like when it’s scanned, with the sprockets on the left & a bit of the former & latter frames on the top & bottom. Plus, this is the very most “behind the scenes” we’ve seen — Doug actually with the slate before “actual” shooting had begun. This is the mark of a progressed, evolved locality.
Then, we cut in & focus on the single frame as the official “scene” plays out. But, I keep the sprockets & the scan affectations on the left instead of blacking the sides out with bars. I let the audience see a little further behind the curtain.
Do you see? The HOLY door has moved closer now. She emerged from her baptism like a phoenix from the ashes & now has close access to the door, a mirror now present behind her… symbolizing her new self-awareness.
Monochromatic frames. I realize now that this is an homage to Daisies, too. It has a kind of pop-art / Warhol vibe I really dig.
This song is Theodore, again. From that unfinished album. I essentially string together several pieces of song beginnings from that album throughout the vision sequences. That in itself seems like it’s own metaphor… like life sometimes feels like just a string of beginnings… or something like that. Regardless, all the bread crumbs were there for me & inspired for my use. Perfect puzzle pieces creating the soundscape magic here.
We decided to not worry about what you could see in the background with the mirror here — to “keep it real,” so to speak, & open the Oz curtain for the audience a little wider. I love that you can see the wheel chair here — a piece of “equipment” checked out from The U. It was actually meant to be in the film at one point… a moment that got cut (like so many others) in the necessary condensing of the film that had to take place on that first day of official shooting out at The Salt Flats. I love the little artifacts that live in the film, though — little reminders & hints at the aborted ideas that never quite were.
Beautiful frame, right? Those reflections — am I right? Beautiful duplicity. And, it’s like a new take on Dali… clocks melting into water. And then, DOUG — just doing his thing.
Color bars start to blip — bleed — over the footage now… Parallel, hyper-realistic realities — all manufactured.
I like how you finally get a good look at how the door is rigged now… right before the moment of reveal. If you look closely, you can see a sliver of Jose’s white robe peaking out from behind the edge of the door frame… about to make his debut.
That lamp… is a story. Thrashed & gorgeous, I found it at the DI on an Art Department run. It just called to me… It’s like it wanted to be in the movie, was destined to be in the movie. Did you notice how the further Our Girl progresses in the vision the more decor that appears around her? All artifacts of communications through the ages… books, records, projectors… & sources of light, namely, lamps. The big one now sits on the side table next to our bed in my room with Jose. My house-mates had hidden it in the cellar. My sister-in-law gasped when she saw it in my move. Asked if it was from a horror movie. But I… I can’t help but love it. It’s a talisman now.
The shirt… I’ve had for a long time. I can’t remember exactly when. But, I wore it during the filming of (the yet-to-be-finished) Manifest Extasy — the day Atlantic & I officially finished our coast-to-coast road-trip by filming at Sunken City in California (the place the ending of my never-to-be-made Chapman thesis was supposed to end — the place I took Jose recently to film 16mm for the continuation of Manifest Extasy & where I had an unanticipated panic attack because the last time I’d been there had been the aforementioned moment). And, of course, I love the idea that I transformed a horrifying “HOLY” affectation into “HOLY CHIC” fashion by self-repentant bleach.
There’s the wheelchair again in the background. And, that cooler from earlier. And, a bunch more of our junk that was actually just there at that moment. Of course, our “motif” to show the real “behind-the-scenes” really worked in our benefit at this moment as we were starting to lost light & really didn’t have time to be nit-picky about background details.
This 8mm camera is Grandpa Burr’s, as well. Also found in the recesses of his cleaned-out shed. Couldn’t figure out how to make it work either. But, still made a killer prop & symbol for “leveling-up,” so to speak, to an even more ancient technology, a tool appropriate for the grand moment of galactic reckoning.
Yet another Theodore original song beginning… We stop right before he begins to sing “All the beautiful things are dead…” A fitting echo to be clipped off — a future hijacked. But the SpaceMan needed an introductory sound & this was it.
The scrunchie… a signature accessory for my wrist. This chic, vision-graduated chica’s outfit wasn’t complete without it.
My G-string kept poking out here. There are funny outtakes with Linds pointing it out & laughing from off-camera. If you look closely, you can see the outline of it. Details are hard…
This footage, like the Super 8 POV, was actually shot by Doug on the GH5 & colored to replicate 8mm footage. I really love the neurotic realisticness to Doug’s BJB POV camera operation.
The pacing here really depended on the timing of the music… And, serendipitously, I think there’s a perfectly sequenced, milked-enough-but-not-too-much sensation to it… the way I grab for it so many times, over & over, like elongated edits in old movies. Repeating action simulates what intense moments feel like better than the quick-&-easy reality of press ‘n play.
It was SO important to me that this moment play right, obviously. The music. The pacing, with the right amount of final build-up with the multiple reaches for the door knob. Then, Doug tilts up in his POV at exactly the right moment. Then — the color changes, in the most vibrant hues & fastest switches yet. And there he is — finally — for real.* It’s the SpaceMan… in the flesh. Or, actually, it’s Jose in a helmet (that the talented Brice Baird made for me). It’s BJB’s literal fantasy.
This is the TUBcake Theme Song, written & performed by Theodore for the film. It’s one of the pieces I didn’t make & yet it was always destined for this moment. He was originally conceived as my SpaceMan, you know. But, he wasn’t there when I had to start making it happen. And, the film grew out from the person I became in having to reinvent & manifest a new ending. But, it was fate for us to get back in touch after I shot the film, because essential music bloomed out from* our brief time back in each other’s orbit. It’s a goodbye song, a swan song of once-was with enormous peace in it’s baton-passing tone. Perfect for this moment when the SpaceMan more or less ordains her, anointing her with a sense of independence, release from attachment delivered in his message. And to me, it’s a beautiful thing that my new, wonderful partner takes on the SpaceMan role.
I realized one day, it was always meant to be Jose. There is something about the way we work & fit that enabled a state in me that made the whole production happen. He empowers me. And, because of the experience & growth facilitated by my relationship with Theodore, I was really ready to commit with Jose. For the first time, I was able to maintain a focus on my own personal art & vision while embarking on a new relationship. A serendipitous crosshair between who Jose is & the new me. To me, the simultaneous presences create a universal truth about ebb & flow in life & the sad beauty of shifting phases.
This is both a reference to Jenny Holzer & to my favorite photograph of Kurt Cobain taken in front of the Jenny Holzer marquee exhibition with the words written behind him: “MEN DON’T PROTECT YOU ANYMORE.” I’d been aware of the photograph for a long time. Or, actually, from about 2014 after I’d left Chapman & was preparing for the roadtrip & shooting of the (yet unfinished) Manifest Extasy with Atlantic when I suddenly felt compelled to seriously study Nirvana. It became an obsession. I especially loved reading through Kurt’s published journals. I was fascinated to find what a feminist he was. He really believed that the future of punk rock was female. I must have first seen the photograph around then.
I had no idea it was a Jenny Holzer art installation until later. I just liked the words - no explanation. To me, they always implied a following phrase: “…they empower you.” I identified with the idea that a type of man could exist that wanted to be your true comrade, who could empower you in a form of brotherhood that allowed true leadership by women. In my own culture, I often felt that the conceit of “protection” kept women away from high-profile roles for safety & sanctity. But truly, the effects of the power structure of “protection” is an inability of women to truly risk what is necessary to lead.
Theodore introduced me to Jenny Holzer, inadvertently almost. He liked to check out books from the library, & once met me outside with a blanket & snacks & books he thought I might like, and one of them was on Jenny Holzer art exhibitions. Her medium is words, phrases — displayed (marquee, projection, signage, etc.). I fell in love with it all.
I now have bits & pieces of her words displayed all over the room. And then I recalled it — the picture — with Kurt in front of the marquee, & it just all came together for me. It was a message in that moment for me. I was struggling at this phase to take control of my own life. I wasn’t used to doing that; my programming ached for a male influence to help dictate my life. And gratefully, Theodore couldn’t, wouldn’t be that for me.
But Kurt was telling me, Jenny was telling me: “MEN DON’T PROTECT YOU ANYMORE.” It’s a good thing. Too much protection is atrophy. And safe was not the way to play with the kind of art I want to make. I always knew what the SpaceMan would say. I need empowerment, not protection.
The robe, also made by Brice, was supposed to mimic what the angels I grew up with were depicted to wear. It always seemed to be a low cut white robe (at least in my memory). It was always slightly sexualized. Or, maybe that was just me. Either way, this is rather accurate. And, Jose just has great chest hair.
Repetition of action again. It’s supposed to feel ritualized, serialized, rhythmic & worshipful even in the editing almost.
I love the fact that you can see Doug clearly here in the reflection filming with the Bolex, a rare glimpse of the Bolex itself on 16mm. It’s at once both the most surreal moment in the film & the most overtly blatant in challenging the verisimilitude of the vision happening with a clearly broken fourth-window. At the same time, I’m receiving golden plates.
This, to me, is just the epitome of speaking in my own language. Like Kate Kelly said in a statement about The Church sometime before or after getting ex-communicated for her feminist propagation (paraphrased), “Mormon is the house I grew up in.” To me, the image — the symbol — of a (Space)Man / Prophet / Moroni / (Male) Angel bestowing upon me my own set of gold plates is the narrative equivalent to empowerment. “The Priesthood” was all I ever wanted. Youngest child & the only girl, all I ever wanted was to be one of the boys, one of the future leaders. I manifested my own story where a loop hole was made for me.
This is the Deseret Alphabet.
I’m a big fan of the cheesy titles I have from this point on, little silent-movie tropes that pseudo “speak” for the SpaceMan. Here the Deseret Alphabet is “translated” for us by the spirit.
To hear the title in the film, have it sung in a theme song at this moment… it’s just so on point for the quirky line this film walks. It’s very reminiscent of the 80s, accented by the queued color change. It’s like it’s aware of exactly how earnest it all is.
Jose is actually miming the spray here, because we didn’t want to start blacking out my hair at this point, hadn’t officially revealed it yet or anything. But in the edit, I tried to get it to play like he was informing her of his intention to spray her…
And then, we introduce the TAR spray bottle. Brice actually made me a much better one. But, by this time in the day we hadn’t really mastered a way to get the black spray into that bottle. And, we were losing light & had to work fast, so we just taped the spray bottle in black electrical tape and stuck the “TAR” label to it. But then, Jose didn’t quite get the full label in the shot. And Doug, operating, couldn’t see well enough through the Bolex viewfinder to know. But, you know, no problem. Creative problem-solving… Sometimes I feel it’s best to lean in to a mistake rather than try to cover it up. Therefore, I employ my own sort of Holzer-like marquee & telegraph the “TAR” idea to you so you can’t miss it even if you try to escape.
Another thing I embrace & lean into is the use of bad sound effects. The whole thing is crafted through stock-quality effects that (I hope) underscore the “made” nature of the whole thing. Like this “spray can sound effect” — It’s supposed to sound too quintessential — on-the-nose — hyperreal.
This shot. This was the shot. The last shot of the day. The card on the GH5 was full & there wasn’t time to dump it. And, we were running out light for the Bolex. So, we just threw it all up there — the tar, the feathers, & the water. Yes, the idea is that it’s a ritualized, symbolic tar-&-feathering, an anointed rite as a metaphor for sainted hardship, playing on the idea that I learned to see persecution as a sign of being chosen. I represent it here as a beautiful thing — not lightly — but somehow in symbolic communion with my scarred ancestry.
And with that, we start the final wash. Two repeated images — the drain, the bleach (now with stock feathers overlaid) — to remind us where we’ve been before preparing us for our final destination & pushing us back out the portal to the real world.
But first, we hearken back to Alice — our vision / portal connective tissue* — at the end of her journey now, with the onslaught of the world running after her. I love how horribly poor the quality of the video is here. I don’t know if I just have a perverse taste for things others typically abhor or that there’s just actually something wonderful about bringing acute awareness to it’s hijacked-fact nature, so obviously ripped from the internet, the you-can-tell sensation is then meant-to-be.
Just like this self-aware-that-it’s-cheesy spray paint transition effect. It’s the cherry-on-top to the idea described above, the wink-wink that I’m aware that you’re aware it’s all being made. Plus, it’s a cute transition into footage of me actually getting my hair dyed, coupled with the same stock spray can effect.
This is the moment when the movie finally, fully schisms away from the primary “fictional,” metaphorical narrative to a true dip to fully behind-the-scenes. This is literally Robin & Lindsey dying my hair black in the Ben Bus at Mystic Hot Springs, late that Sunday night after the second day of shooting. It was like a ritual, holy women painting my crown tar-colored, my best friends, so I could manifest my vision. It had to be black at the end. I couldn’t help but laugh when reviewing this footage, though; I’m so sleepy I start dozing off in many moments.
It had been a long day, a long weekend. And, I think there’s just something relaxing about people touching your hair, too. You know what I mean? Regardless, it’s rather hilarious. Don’t we all look so child-like when we’re sleepy? Also, Robin came to my rescue that day. I needed her to be there with me for this.
After I let the dye set in, Jose came with me to the communal women’s bathroom, & we locked the door (it was late)… & we took the group shower area to ourselves for a moment. And we marveled at the blackish / grayish water pouring off of me, through my toes, down the drain. Rebirth in a darker shade: reveal the next version of BJB.
Later that night I had a massive headache. I had to come back to the bathroom, my hair still wet & black as all hell. I threw up, then laid there with my head on the cold floor until dawn. Jose came & found me then, took me back to the bus, to the VW loft, to sleep a few more hours before the call of the last day.
This is Trinity.* It always seemed to me that if anyone was, she was really “The One.”
Ink stock footage again. This time, in red.*
This is Me and You and Everyone We Know. Several of my heroes are female filmmakers who make personal work & star in their own films. I reference three in TUBcake. First was Maya Deren - Meshes of the Afternoon. Now, it’s Miranda July. This sequence (to me) said everything that could be said about relationships in one simple, symbolic, on-camera ensemble. “You” & “Me” written on pink shoes endlessly teetering back-&-forth,* filmed by the wearer above.
This is the third uber personal multi-hyphenate feminine filmmaker hero of mine: it’s Lena Dunham. I know she can be a touchy subject among some feminists. But, her bravery with her own body on screen & her unabashed honesty & endearing believability just always gave me hope for my own.
I was an intern at HBO when Girls first started. I remember hearing the name mentioned by Sue Naegle (then the head of HBO Entertainment) in a meeting. I remember writing down “Lena Dunham -> research later.” I watched Tiny Furniture soon afterward & fell in love with her brazen, chubby “realness.”
I caught a glimpse of Lena a few times when she came through the office. I never had the chance to use the line I’d practiced if we ever happened to meet. I’d say something about how bizarre it was that I was an actual intern / aspiring writer while she played one on TV… maybe she’d laugh & then read my work.
Girls itself — though not perfect — changed my life. I engulfed it concurrently with temping at HBO & dreaming of my own big break some day, telling hyper-feminine, unafraid truth stories. There’s a moment in the Pilot where Lena (“Hannah”) unexplainably consumes a cupcake in the bathtub (while her friend Marnie shaves her legs) - the epitome of both shame-worthy & pride-deserving, over-indulgent & self-loving.*
This is actually not actually a clip from Girls, though. I couldn’t find one to steal anywhere. HBO is very good at their ability to keep their material out of free access. So, this is actually a clip from the Emmy’s, I think — poking fun at how Lena Dunham is always naked & eating (cake)… found in a bathroom stall during the show. I do love how the shoes on Miranda July rub across Lena’s fuzzed out chest… And, how it all evokes a bizarre Alice in Oz or Dorothy in Wonderland sensation… All of it.
There’s the real Dorothy now… it had to be her, really Judy Garland. The ruby slippers clicking together, evoking the words we do not hear: “There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home…” And, literally, I’m about to be sent home: #UTAH.
There’s the writing on my film reel scrolling by in an orangey hue again, like it did at the beginning of the film…
I like using the tornado house again now to drop Our Girl back to Earth… like with the logic that if you got in with a twister you can get out with a twister, but this time covered in feathers.
First, a reminder of the SpaceMan’s promise given for obedience, sped up this time to sound high-pitched & cartoonish: “And, you shall be healed” — parallel to the slowed-down “bathe three times” reminder given in the first wash. And then, a snippet from the short “Epilogue” by Mae to their The Everglow album, full circle with the “Prologue” in the 1st wash.
I had to bring each felt-board wash-title in with smoke, per the (cool) precedent Jose set with his hookah (of course) on the first one. I like how this final one turned out — following in the same line but a little different this time — animated.
/brēCH/ Verb; make a gap in & break through (a barrier or defense).
I’m rather sure this is from the crop of GoPro footage I picked up when the tub was out on the porch of Jose’s old apartment. I used one of the leftover black-ish bath bombs to get the coloration. See, the idea is that the tar residue is on / with me.
So, I’m birthed back to “real life” (ish) now — the same tub I entered into. Except, now I’m changed because of the transformative power of the vision, the acceptance of my own sins, flaws, & pains,* ultimately independent & unafraid.
Do you notice how the tub is black? I used a black bath bomb in it. And, do you notice the little duckies positioned all around the tub now? They’re unicorn duckies. “Real” now a lil “extra.”
See the frame? This is the first time I show the full frame scan in color - with the frame above & below & the side perforations.
See my hair? It’s black now… a physical signifier of the inner “change” enacted by the symbolic tar-&-feather ritual.
The song is Madge again (full circle!) - Alice.* This song was actually released after the shooting of TUBcake & even after the editing of the intro through the credit sequence (& the utilization of two Madge songs already). It seemed like destiny, like it was already, immediately somewhere in the film. I listened to it over & over again — pumped up loud in my car on the way to work in Lehi at a solar start-up. It was fatalistic.
So then weeks later, when continuing the edit, I get to this scene & it needs the right sound… And like magic, I reached for the secret predetermined piece & it fits like butter (is that a saying?) What I mean is, it’s the perfect sound for my vision.**
Notice my fingernails? Freshly painted black, too.*
I’m wearing a skeleton leotard. I have a thing for skulls & skeletons, certainly fueled by the fact that they repulsed my mother. Nonetheless, I have a perma-affinity. It’s certainly something very representative of “me” & being laid bare.*
Doug nailed this shot. Jose out of focus wearing the SpaceMan helmet, holding out the cake, flare in the background… The idea is that she can’t quite see clearly - Is it the SpaceMan? What’s that he’s holding? Questions without enough time to answer.
I love that we did this as an ECU. It’s perhaps the tightest shot on my face in the whole piece, and on film, no less. I love the clearly distinct identification you see in my eyes: it’s Jose.*
And, if Doug killed it in the last two shots, he really killed it here. And, Jose did, too. One take, nailed it.* #thatSUNthough
The idea is that the SpaceMan has sort of “passed the baton” to Jose… not to protect me. BUT, to empower me, inspire me. But also, yes, there’s the awareness, too, that it was Jose all along.
And, once I see the SpaceMan is gone, I realize the cake is in my hands - the one he was previously extending… a parting gift… a final ritual. And the cake comes with a gold crown & adorning sunglasses.* I’ve been sainted, in a way, anointed for passing some spiritual test. Bestowed the gift of cake & company.**
There it is… the big smush up close. And the lettering in yellow that needs subtitling. Honestly, I love it all. I love the idea that it got smushed on the SpaceMan’s intergalactic travel. Also, I hope this is the moment where you realize there is light-hearted humor in all this. #ShareWithFriends #HeartSpaceMan
This is perhaps my favorite moment in the whole thing, when I wave & we cut to reveal that my friends are there & my other friends, too, the same goofs there in the vision (more or less). It’s movie magic, in a tongue-&-cheek sort of way. The situation of these tubs is not literal. We could not literally wave to each other from where each is actually sitting. And, of course, we’re not all there at the same time.* But, that’s the magic of it all, one I’m winking at you to notice. It’s all illusion.
It’s a physicalized personification of the eat-cake-on-camera sentiment — symbolizing all of these parallel moments of need, parallel moments with cake in parallel bath tubs — made triumphant in the dramatized simultaneity of it all actually.
This is the last scene we filmed. And, you can really feel it. I love the look on all their faces when they pseudo see “me.” And, I love the surrealist wonderfulness of being in bathtubs in this landscape with cupcakes on golden plates. It’s silly & perfect.
Did you notice the “set decoration?” Some of my childhood barbies in their pink barbie car. Unicorn duckies. A blue pinwheel.* And, each set-up has their own camera to “record” the about-to-happen cake-eating. This is Jose’s Sony A7 s ii.
These cupcakes were made by mother, miniature versions of her traditional chocolate cake / chocolate frosting / rainbow sprinkles birthday cake. It’s the best cake in the whole world.
This take was the rehearsal. But, I liked it even more than the “real” take. Looser. And, they do their little hand gesture in preparation for the take & it’s just so them & went so perfectly with the music right at the moment I needed it to.
If you notice, Sid’s got my Super 8 camera from earlier in the film. And, Doug is operating the drone! I just think that’s great. Because, Doug operates every drone shot you see in the film, & here he’s dramatized flying the drone, even looking up “at it” at the beginning of the “take” (but, it’s not actually up right then).
Sid’s got the top hat on, like he does in the vision sequence when he helps dump the water on me. And, Doug’s wearing a hat my Uncle Stan bought me two Thanksgiving’s ago in some little town in Texas. Lindsey put tattoos on both their faces; everyone was supposed to have them. Some more willing…
I love how his hair is crystalized here in it’s long form. I’ll have always fallen in love with him with long hair. It’s short now, & looks so stinking cute that way, too. But, I love it here. And, if you can notice, he’s got a tattoo on his cheek, too. It’s an infinity symbol, a token of the SpaceMan, as well. Eternity will forever be a factor in love for me. I was just taught it that way.
Now this shot — I really think this one is my favorite. Doug’s best, best work. The flare & the way the wet rock looks. A little voyeur. A little otherworldly. Definitely more-than real.
I love the little affectations you get with the Bolex — light leaks & flashes & grain. I love to mine out the lil’ imperfections & use them as transitions & just overall character for the look.
If you notice, everyone’s cake is on a golden plate,* the next iteration of the gold plates gifted to me by the SpaceMan in the vision on which I was to write my story. It’s supposed to both be tongue-and-cheek & imply that all our stories overlap.
I love how you can see Doug’s shadow in this shot that he is operating on his GH5. A textbook no-no but not in my film!
I love cutting out to the wide shot of the both of them in the same tub here, now with their cake, toasting: each other, me the production, all of it! Flamingos* on the rocks next to them.
This is the first faux ending. Since, the film began so many times, it must end many times. I use the ending of the song here to allude to an almost-ending… But, we haven’t even eaten yet.
I love the way Doug flicks the water off his fingers here, reaching for his cupcake. It’s got a very all-right-lets-get-this-over-with tonality to it. I love it because I remember that it’s not like they wanted to do this, necessarily. Doug, especially. Amazing cameraman who doesn’t like to be on camera. Before the shot, this the final shot of the whole thing, you can hear him on the clip talking about how this is blackmail material. But, he did it. He did it for me. They all did. I needed to know people would. And, I’m forever grateful that they did.
Now, this is perhaps not my smoothest transition. Perhaps the least “smooth” in the whole thing. But, I don’t mind it here… after the first faux ending… it sort of has an “oh wait — there’s more!” sensation to it. I use Jose’s kiss on my cheek as the trigger moment, cues the next music, & a look back in time.
This is a reprise of the TUBcake theme song, sampling Sylvia Plath reading Lady Lazarus. I told Theodore before he wrote the music that I was thinking it would be cool to somehow incorporate the Plath poem into the song. And, I loved what he did with it — the piece he chose to include & how it flows…*
This is drone footage shot at the very end of the first day of shooting out at the Salt Flats, the sun long gone down. The world so blue. You can see our tiny set, the tub out on the water, just a smudge on the earth. It’s like we’ve catapulted onto the SpaceMan’s back, flying back to see what we missed.*
I wasn’t even there when this was shot. After the final “official” shot of the day — with the tar & the feathers & the water pouring over me… the end of the “official” vision scene… I ran directly to the car with Jose & we drove back to the truck stop not that far away with the Indian restaurant attached. There were showers there you could pay to use. We showered in hot water, finally. I’d been cold all day. But, we took too long…*
But, gratefully, wonderfully, they continued to shoot. The drone stuff & this shot, too, and the lovely shot of Doug you’ll see with his title-card at the end. This stuff on the film turned out really cool, very dark & contrasty compared to before. This is Sid in the helmet, here. And, I like the idea of glimpsing the SpaceMan as he’d headed back through the door after a hard day’s work, headed back to Kolob (& beyond!)**
This is me waiting to dunk under the water on the first shot of the day, the first take of the day. You glimpse me near the Bolex as Doug runs the camera. Then, we spin around with the camera (yes, there is a cut hidden in there, though) until we land back on me as Doug gets in his spot for the GH5 shot & gives me the signal, cuing me to go ahead & dunk under. To begin.
This is a shot I took on my iPhone as Lindsey made-up the fake sore on my belly. She did an awesome job. I loved the way it turned out — just a sore patch & fake flesh & blood capsules. She has the blood on her lips because she had to break the capsule with her teeth. One of the many sacrifices this girl made that day to keep the production & me running along.
Also, I love the little glimpse of Aaron & the lamp at the end. And, how you can see my parents car with the trailer attached to it in the background, all our stuff sprawled out around it.
This is Jose, Doug, & Sid placing the tub at the very start of the day. Bundled up, because it’s cold. The footage taken on my iPhone & sped up to sort of mimic old movies, the look altered.
This is Lindsey removing the tape from the door after we’d painted it to reveal it’s final look.* I loved it immediately. It was perfect. I had taped it — she had painted it. And, it was perfect.
I love how you can see the whole base camp set up here in the back ground. Our awnings & tables, & blankets held up to block the wind, tarps spread out on the salty ground, a glimpse of the gas can & the generator that didn’t work — all the junk.
Love this little Easter Egg of Doug headed to shut off the GH5 after cutting on the Bolex. I knew as soon as I found it hidden in the footage that it would find its way into the movie. I also love how you can clearly see that Jose is barefoot here, which is crazy because it was crazy crazy cold out that day. #HeHeMan
OH no… I may have to vote again. Because, really, sincerely, THIS ONE is probably, technically, my favorite shot in the film. I adore that Doug decided to roll on this & love all the flash frames at the beginning of the take. This is literally me & Jose* running to the car (to go to the truck stop & take our hot showers) after the final shot with the tar & the feathers & the water sending me back. THIS is the real thing, real life — the realest thing in the movie. It’s my favorite moment, maybe that’s more fair to say. And you can see, if you look closely, that I’m wearing my Pop’s socks, falling off because they’re so wet.
And, I love that Doug thinks to pan back to the tub after we’re far in the distance, Linds already starting to clean up the tub, & Sid walking back to Doug, looking dope in his top hat.
Then, naturally, in the footage, there’s the perfect flash frame in order to transition back to the “present” — back to the cake.
We get a little repeat action here as we enter back in to the moment. The kiss on the cheek again* — and that smile again. That’s a true BJB little-girl-giddy excited smile. It’s time. THE MOMENT we’ve all been waiting for. My final action I perform for the film — the eating of the cake on camera with my friends.
And I just dive in — face first — to that whole cake because I can.
I love this angle, looking down all the duckies in a row & my friends in a row, too, in bathtubs eating cake for me. I love that you can see Lindsey’s white rabbit tattoo on her face & the look on that face when she takes a giant bite on my behalf.
I love the movement at the beginning of this shot. I can’t even recall who operated this off the top of my head (Alekh, I think? Good job, bud!) I love how Doug sort of taps his cupcake first.*
I love how the magic of editing here makes it seem like Doug eats his cupcake all in one go, one big stuffing bite. And his reaction here is everything. The raised arms, the head back. That’s the unabashed pleasure the ritual is about. It’s like for a moment he forgets he’s on camera at all. It’s the final shot of the film, the final act of the film. And they both earned those goddamn cupcakes, I assure you. Afterwards, I go up to them, wearing my panda suit, & say “That’s a…” And Doug says, Is it, though? Is it really?? BJB: “That’s a wrap!”*
I love this little move around Robin here. And, the way she just goes for it with the licking of the fingers. Pure indulgence — that’s what I told them to exhibit. And here, I’m actually talking to Robin from off-camera, wearing my panda onesie, telling her she’s a bad, bad girl for eating that cake. She was on a very serious & strict diet that she broke just for me. That’s love.
I’ll admit, there’s something grotesquely sexual about the two of us sharing the cake & sharing the tub & sharing the cake between our mouths as we kiss. It’s like pop primal. And, I’d worry sometimes that it’d seem like because Jose & I were together in the end that it’d seem like I had to get a man. But to me, it’s the parallel to nearly every male story where a girl came with the ending. And this time, it’s supposed to signify that he’s been here the whole time. He’s the SpaceMan; he’s the empowering partner who helped me make all of this happen. So the cake & the enjoying & the appreciating is done together.
I like how you can see me knock a little ducky off the side of the tub here as I move towards the camera to eat more cake on film.
That shot again. DAMN. The smoke rising off the water…
The lil’ shoulder kiss. Everything.
There is so much cake in my mouth.
Could the film have run out at a more perfect time or burned out more beautifully than it did here at just the right moment?*
Same soundtrack as the beginning. Peaceful Rural Farm Ambient Soundscape: I found online, ripped, & downloaded.
This shot is meant to match the first shot* of the (unlabeled) Prologue. A little flare across the nose of the bus this time.
The idea here is a passing-of-torch with the camera from me to Jose. I’ve learned that my main goal in opening up & sharing my personal story in my art is to encourage others to do so.*
It was important to me that the "p” in “Epilogue” is semi-centered around a sticker on the door. Weird, I know. That’s all.
I love those stinking overalls.* Love that he wore them that day.
This insert is actually from the Janus shoot, the actual shot of me operating as I go in the bus the first time (the alternate take from the one I use at the beginning). We forgot to film it again on the final day. But, I realized in the end it didn’t really matter.
I wrote this final piece of voice-over once I reached this point in the edit… really. Just like I had intended to all along. I didn’t really know what it all meant myself until I manifested it & finally got to watch it all back. And these words, just sort of rolled out of me, written in Sharpie on my notebook made from a copy of the golden book “There’s a Monster at the End…”
The song is The XX, “Intro” (sort of ironic that it’s used at the end, isn’t it?) A beautiful song I’d always known I’d want to use somewhere someday. And, I really think it perfectly fits here.
This POV entering the bus is my operation, too, from the pre-shoot with Janus. Jose opens the door so ferociously, it sort of smacks back against the bus. So, in the edit, I needed a way to cut-away from that sort of distracting smack without breaking the flow or the mood of the moment (we only did one take…) So, I used this lil’ piece of my POV that I didn’t use at the start.
This was the first set-up we shot on the final day. We started with the stuff in the bus. And what was once documented solitarily like an alien planet at the beginning is now warm & inhabited — inviting, full of friends drinking & playing games.
We’ve embellished the space now, added BJB details to the already decked-out-in-personality bus. See the blue flower pinwheel in the back from the last sequence with the tubs. My Los Angeles backpack* sitting on the barber chair where I sat the night earlier getting my hair dyed by my besties. My crosses scarf & skull scarf both tied to the ladder in the foreground frame left. An itty-bitty ducky placed frame right.
This is Doug actually operating now. Remember at this point, Jose only pantomimes. I love Alekh in this shot, boyish & jubilant, letting us know it’s a party with a single blow.
Ha. The Fireball. We did a couple takes of this shot with the GH5 & then we did the film… and by the end, the three of them were rather tipsy for, like, 11am in the morning. #sorrynotsorry
I love that they’re playing Sorry. Chromatically it’s a perfect fit for this very colorful ending. And, the implied idea is that “sorry” is just a game now, a thing of the past. Always feeling sorry for myself & being apologetic to everyone else — done.*
“Empowerment” is a major theme in the movie. Men don’t protect you anymore… they empower you. It’s meant to be somewhat of a love letter to those who have been there for me & a testament to the enabling power we have over each other.
This is, yes, another favorite shot in the film. The slow-motion barbies with the bubbles. It was important to me that we play barbies at the end, a sort of return to our communal childhood. These are my actual barbies from when I was little. I was definitely a barbie girl, always enthralled in an epic saga with my own little cast of peoples. Filmmaking is sort of like an adult game of barbie with a camera. I love how the barbies proudly show their wear-&-tear… sort of like us girls — Robin, Linds, & me — we’ve seen our fair share of that the three of us.
The SpaceWoman barbie is supposed to represent the new me… the product of all that experience, transitioned after the vision. I’m going to continue to use this barbie as a representation of me throughout my next film, my memoir-ish thesis project. Jose & I took her to New York & LA & shot her on 16mm.*
The little narrative we are actually playing out here is me (& Jose) arriving on the scene of the Janus project* & the girls trying to take us down to no avail, because TUBcake happened.
I was actually filming this iPhone footage while we shot everything else. I love the major black bars on either side that telegraph to the audience that we’re looking at a phone view.
I really love Ty in this scene. He was such a trooper & came & was a part of this scene for me & for Robin. It was hard to cut to him in the edit, though, without breaking the flow. But, I love that you get a glimpse of him here & I’ll give him his “moment” during the credit sequence at the end. Thanks, Ty!
Look! A bubble popped on the lens left this bb bokeh.
Notice Linds is wearing a pink mesh hand accessory that was from my Chapman short What Happens in Arizona*… & I’m wearing a black hand accessory that was from my short Sirens.
“…into cake on golden plates with friends in hot spring bath tubs, & all of it’s on camera.”* Perhaps my favorite wording in the whole thing — a great moment when it all builds there… the music, the visuals, the rhythm of the words, to finally turn the camera back onto me for a moment, engaging directly with it.
I’m really shooting with my iPhone while Doug (you can see him) films with the GH5 in the background. Jose, though, is not actually rolling with the Bolex here. In practice, we are both as transparent as possible about the movie magic happening but still manipulating your view through the editing & sound.
I love the little dance with his little hips here in the overalls :)
Here’s Doug’s GH5 shot while I actually shoot with my iPhone.*
My face here. That’s the real thing.
Notice some BJB improvements in the background. That’s my “Reserved”* sign & tape recorder thingy on the right, & my chunky set of Christmas lights** strung the back, too, I think.
We had to shoot this separately with Doug operating. But, it really does seamlessly cut in here — an illusion of simultaneity.
“My people” — I love using that phrase. An important feature of Neo BJB (“Post-Woke Barbie”) is a renaissance of her connection with her Mormon heritage, a belief that she is an extension of the pioneers in her ancestry, in her own way…
I love how you can see Doug’s feet in the shot here. Further & further behind that Oz curtain. I remember him getting into his spot that day & starting to tell me that he can’t help but get his feet in the shot, & then he was just, like, “You know what? Forget it. I get it. You can see my feet in this shot. Let’s roll.”
This is the first time we actually go into the VW-bus loft of the Ben Bus. See, I was saving it for the end. It’s the best part of the hippie hideout; as a kid, anything with a ladder is just more fun.
These words are church words to me… “tribulation,” “crucible,”* “adversity” — I’m reclaiming the power verbiage from my youth.
I love that you get a full view of Doug here with his GH5 set-up, laying back in the loft with his socks on, on 16mm no less. #OZ
I love this little kiss. Empowering but not over-powering. #cute
I take my hood off so you can see my black hair at the end.
Perfect flash frame for my transition here. Thanks, Bolex!
My mom gave me this journal a couple Christmases ago. I’m very into journals & rather superstitious about how & when each one is used. I think I’m somewhat of an artistic hoarder, too. I see potential in all things & will randomly hold on to the weirdest things through ridiculous moves because I “might” need to use it in a piece one day. This journal was like that. It struck me from the moment I opened it - “Write Your Own Story.” It’s like the entire struggle of my life demystified. All I had to do was tell my own story. I never wrote in it & kept it, because I knew I’d use it in something some day. And, when TUBcake originated in my mind, this journal was always sort of inherently part of the ending. I modeled the Deseret alphabet message from the SpaceMan on the "gold plates” after this — my realistic dramatization of starting my own scripture.
I love that we placed my computer here in the wider shot, too, sticker-clad showing evidence of years & years of use & wear — also a tool I’d used a lot for most of my writing over time.*
That’s also my “DIRECTOR” hat that Atlantic bought for me after I switched from Screenwriting into Directing at Chapman.
“…atonement through transparency, to add a verse of scripture to the great communal diary…” — some favorite lines, too.
I love how the little spot from the bubble bursting on the lens from earlier creates a little halo effect around my head here.
And, no one would know this (until now, I guess), that this line for me is heavily referential to the trailer I made for Manifest Extasy (that I finished editing in my cousin Jeremy’s RV in a RV park in Heber before we went & projected it in an alleyway up at the Sundance film festival in 2016, I think). I wrote & filmed the narration bit to it one day while Atlantic was at work. I was too sick to work & I’m pretty obviously distressed in the piece.
But it was a breaking moment for me — a founding moment of a new mojo, so to speak. In the trailer, I sort of call out the Mormon Church (in a fashion I don’t really feel the need to use anymore) but what I was really doing was breaking away from the absolute power in my life, who was Atlantic. At the end of the trailer I say, with a rather strong & almost cocky voice — “See, I finally found my voice.” At that moment, I was on the precipice of making a leap with my creativity. The irony is, I think it’s going to happen right then. Instead, I get to glimpse it right before my whole life goes to absolute shit & I have to spend years rebuilding my life & my sanity & especially my creativity. When I came back to Utah & started to heal, I had the longest writers block of my life. I thought I may not write again, the cost for my repairing health. My therapist told me over & over again to be patient. And, 18 months later, I first, finally, get an idea for a film… And, TUBcake is what came out.* But this time, I needed help & I knew it. The whole thing is about me finding my voice through the community of others.
“Chorus” is also a direct reference to an article* I read (& wrote about) in the Spring about (one of my absolute favorite films) Stories We Tell by Sarah Polley that identifies the genre of the piece as a “choral narrative.” I wrote a 25-page paper about it in the Spring semester. It’s the type of thing I hope to emulate.
This is the last official view you get of me in the narrative, writing in my journal, my own set of gold plates (we couldn’t find the feather the SpaceMan had given me so we went with a normal pen, & I like it, in that I don’t think about it at all).
Then, flash frame transition & we’re really headed for the end.
I had specifically wanted a drone shot moving up & away from the bus at the very end — like the SpaceMan leaving the scene. I don’t know if it was Jose or Doug (I just know it wasn’t me) who on the day had the idea for him to put the helmet on & stand on the hood for one take. But, when I saw the footage, I knew immediately it would be my “final shot.” I love the way you see Jose get down & start to walk away just before Doug tilts the drone camera up towards the horizon, rather perfect operation.
This font is called “The End of Times.” Most of the fonts used in the movie are pulled from dafont.com & were brought to my attention by searches for the keywords “cake” & “tub” (go figure). Here are a few other font names used in the film:*
Princess Cake
Hot Cakes
Lemon Cake
BB Cakes
Cheese Cake
Sugar Cakes
CAKE N TRUFFLES
Gothic Birthday Cake
I love all the humble context you get here of the land surrounding the magical bus — mobile homes & patchy ground.
That’s my grandmother I reference in the beginning — my Grandma Hazel — the one who gifted me the “eat-cake-on-camera” story that I carried with me from that moment. It gave me hope to try art again when I was ready to open up again.
With this I mean all the men in my life who have formed & empowered me in one way or another. Namely every man mentioned at some point here in this FOOTnote narrative:
Jose (of course, first-&-foremost)
Theodore (undeniably)
Atlantic (unavoidably)
My Pop (most affectionately)
Doug (so indebtedly)
Sid (so gratefully)
Brice Baird (amazedly)
Aaron Moura (sincerely)
Alekh Chapman (most dearly)
Tyrel James (sensationally)
My brothers (the BBB*)
My cousins
My friends
Etc.*
I love that it’s the mountain horizon that bumps the SpaceMan off the screen. And, I love how you can see the propellors of the drone at the very end there, the final image behind the curtain.
There’s Theodore’s title again. So unbelievably perfect & professional-looking. I’m lucky to have it. If I ever get those kodaliths back,* this is where I’ll put those titles, but of course still cycling through the now iconic TUBcake motif of colors…
Psych! OF COURSE, the vid needs to end one more time… & OF COURSE we need an ending title sequence to mirror our indulgent introductory title sequence. In the beginning, you just got the names without an association with who is who. So now, you get to put the names with the faces (& the bonus of their pseudo character names, as well). And for each person, you get to see further behind-the-scenes moments before the final end.
The song is Boyfriend, “Marie Antionette.” I found Boyfriend on Spotify a while ago, I think soon after I came to Utah while I was still in contact with Atlantic, because I remember sharing it with him & him having the same “holy sh*t” reaction. But then I came across this song just this Spring, in time for me to know hands-down I had to use it somewhere in my project, & it just seems to have a “last hoorah” feel to it — final final end.
You get a good look at the fake blood in Lindsey’s teeth here (there because she had to break the capsule with her teeth in order to apply it to my stomach). She’s the kind of friend who will do whatever it takes to make your fake sore look perfect. I love how you finally get a good look at her white rabbit tattoo*
Lindsey now works in Lehi at the Solar Sales startup where I used to work. I don’t see her enough anymore. #shesopretty
This was in the batch of surprise footage that Doug & Sid shot together after principal shooting that day, when me & Jose were taking paid showers at the truck stop gas station. What a fun Easter Egg to find & what a mood Doug must have been in that day — to be on camera so silly. It’s just everything.
Doug’s back in LA now working as a DP & a colorist.
These are some of the best burns on all the film we shot.
Sid looking so G holding the color chart. If you look closely, you can see he has a lil’ black cat* tattoo on his face. #YEAHheAboss
Unfortunately, Sid is abroad for the moment indefinitely. I hope to see him back in the states soon for more collaborating!
This was shot in my apartment, where Doug & Sid stayed a couple nights while in SLC. With a local beer in hand, Doug filmed Sid showing him around like an episode of Cribs.*
I love this fun little Easter Egg of Aaron Moura* wiggling his eyebrows at camera before Doug frames up. And, Aaron’s freeze-frame is probably one of my favorites, with the vapor & the shades & the telephone lamp & the bleach & the boom.
Aaron Moura now lives in Long Beach, CA with his friends & band-mates. He’s gonna do some music for my thesis project.
This is following the take where I pour the bleach on myself & melt wicked-witch-of-the-west style into the tub. The water was really cold & I was really cold, so I sort of let it all out at the end there. And Linds doesn’t know if I’m okay & Aaron’s flinching because my scream just wrecked his ears, & you can see my Pop’s socks flapping on my feet as I threw a micro-fit.
Love this little moment with Alekh after we finished shooting the eat-cake-on-camera sequence, wearing my heart-shaped glasses & goofing off. I love that you can see him high-five me in my panda onesie that I wore directing off-camera that day.
Alekh is now attending college in China. Yeah. Such a smart kid.
I love that Tyrel gets this moment, smoking the hookah like a trooper in the corner, lookin’ like a pimp. I’m so glad he’s my friend. Thick & thin. And, I love how the smoke looks in green.
Tyrel nows sells solar down in Vegas. After a short stint with my old company, he set off on his own. He’s a true #renegade.
I love that I give Robin this little fore-running introductory moment with her using her barbie doll to smash into mine.
This shot, to me, is payment to Robin for being willing to break her diet & eat a cupcake for me to shoot for the movie. So, in turn, I immortalized her looking like the foxy fox she is. #rawr
Robin’s down in Vegas with Ty, of course. Working towards her yoga cert. & being the best dog mommy to Jax in the world. *
I realize now that the whole gang has disbanded & TUBcake would be impossible to film today. It was the perfect moment where all the pieces were there, accessible, ready, & game.
I love this shot, where you see Jose with the helmet off, his epic hair blowing in the wind. I’m writing the words on the marquee board right now, & you can tell he’s freezing in the angel robe.
There’s just something so 1970s sexy about this shot. #crush*
And there his is, my Jose, how he looked *on arrival that morning, filming with his Sony A7s ii we use some in the film.
This was shot on Jose’s Sony, Alekh is operating here on a fish-eye lens. I had to include this view with me directing in my panda onesie, Doug with his shoes off, & Jose in the helmet.
At some point on the shoot day out on the Salt Flats, I lost my phone. So, my extra materials acquired got nipped in the bud. But, I did shoot a little on Jose’s Sony while stranded in the tub that day, & snagged this little shot of me. I like it as the one chosen for my title card because you see a manual split-screen of me, & the words stating I’m myself “more or less” — meant to underscore the simultaneity of everything, the duplicitous nature of the movie both transparent & illusory. #REALlife
Before I lost my phone, though, I did get the awesome coverage of Linds applying my bloody sore. Afterwards, I took this little selfie moment where it’s apparent how I feel about it. #GREAT
Jose’s filming with his Sony A7s ii. It’s at the beginning of the first day of principal shooting, haven’t even got the first shot off yet. But, I was so excited. We were there. It felt — briefly — like I had done it. I got all the people there & all the furniture out there. It was all happening. I let myself feel success for just a second, before I had to go make the three days of shooting happen & the performance happen & then afterwards, the edit happen for months & months. The editor BJB now reaching this actual final moment in the edit, picked this piece of footage to put here because she identified with it (just as I do now, FOOTnote-writing-BJB). We did it. We did it. Together.
I can’t help but snicker a little every time when the song (& thus the movie, technically) ends on the line of “I’m a bad bitch” right as I wriggle my jazz fingers* excitedly in front of my face. It always feels a bit silly & yet I can’t deny that I love it every time. I want that kind of mojo. And, TUBcake is supposed to be about self-manifesting the kind of confidence you wish to have.
The song is (want to guess?) MADGE, again. Yep. During editing she came out with this super-mellow cover of SUM 41’s “In Too Deep” & I just jived with it, you know? And, doesn’t it just have the perfect quintessential “end credits” sound to it? When I needed something for this final scroll, it only felt right to reach back to Madge, & the fusion of old & new was just perfect.
Notice, there were 9 different cameras used in making this film*
This is footage shot on my iPhone by Shujing — my friend, fellow graduate student, & TA — of me neurotically preparing my developed film rolls to be scanned by the new transfer machine at the U (bolted to a concrete wall in a half-finished room). At the time, I hadn’t even seen the images yet...* #wow
