wASH_3 / 13:53
3~.
And with that, we start the final wash. Two repeated images — the drain, the bleach (now with stock feathers overlaid) — to remind us where we’ve been before preparing us for our final destination & pushing us back out the portal to the real world.
3!.
But first, we hearken back to Alice — our vision / portal connective tissue* — at the end of her journey now, with the onslaught of the world running after her. I love how horribly poor the quality of the video is here. I don’t know if I just have a perverse taste for things others typically abhor or that there’s just actually something wonderful about bringing acute awareness to it’s hijacked-fact nature, so obviously ripped from the internet, the you-can-tell sensation is then meant-to-be.
*"connective tissue” a wording of mine from the manifesto.
3@.
Just like this self-aware-that-it’s-cheesy spray paint transition effect. It’s the cherry-on-top to the idea described above, the wink-wink that I’m aware that you’re aware it’s all being made. Plus, it’s a cute transition into footage of me actually getting my hair dyed, coupled with the same stock spray can effect.
3#.
This is the moment when the movie finally, fully schisms away from the primary “fictional,” metaphorical narrative to a true dip to fully behind-the-scenes. This is literally Robin & Lindsey dying my hair black in the Ben Bus at Mystic Hot Springs, late that Sunday night after the second day of shooting. It was like a ritual, holy women painting my crown tar-colored, my best friends, so I could manifest my vision. It had to be black at the end. I couldn’t help but laugh when reviewing this footage, though; I’m so sleepy I start dozing off in many moments.
It had been a long day, a long weekend. And, I think there’s just something relaxing about people touching your hair, too. You know what I mean? Regardless, it’s rather hilarious. Don’t we all look so child-like when we’re sleepy? Also, Robin came to my rescue that day. I needed her to be there with me for this.
3$.
After I let the dye set in, Jose came with me to the communal women’s bathroom, & we locked the door (it was late)… & we took the group shower area to ourselves for a moment. And we marveled at the blackish / grayish water pouring off of me, through my toes, down the drain. Rebirth in a darker shade: reveal the next version of BJB.
Later that night I had a massive headache. I had to come back to the bathroom, my hair still wet & black as all hell. I threw up, then laid there with my head on the cold floor until dawn. Jose came & found me then, took me back to the bus, to the VW loft, to sleep a few more hours before the call of the last day.
3%.
This is Trinity.* It always seemed to me that if anyone was, she was really “The One.”
*OR, maybe she’s the god(head, -ess) to neo’s prophet - Father, son, and the holy spirit in one - a woman.
3^ .
Ink stock footage again. This time, in red.*
*Isaiah 1:18; also, blood i.e. pain; rage.
3&.
This is Me and You and Everyone We Know. Several of my heroes are female filmmakers who make personal work & star in their own films. I reference three in TUBcake. First was Maya Deren - Meshes of the Afternoon. Now, it’s Miranda July. This sequence (to me) said everything that could be said about relationships in one simple, symbolic, on-camera ensemble. “You” & “Me” written on pink shoes endlessly teetering back-&-forth,* filmed by the wearer above.
*#4ever (if you’ve seen it, you’ll get that)
3*.
This is the third uber personal multi-hyphenate feminine filmmaker hero of mine: it’s Lena Dunham. I know she can be a touchy subject among some feminists. But, her bravery with her own body on screen & her unabashed honesty & endearing believability just always gave me hope for my own.
I was an intern at HBO when Girls first started. I remember hearing the name mentioned by Sue Naegle (then the head of HBO Entertainment) in a meeting. I remember writing down “Lena Dunham -> research later.” I watched Tiny Furniture soon afterward & fell in love with her brazen, chubby “realness.”
I caught a glimpse of Lena a few times when she came through the office. I never had the chance to use the line I’d practiced if we ever happened to meet. I’d say something about how bizarre it was that I was an actual intern / aspiring writer while she played one on TV… maybe she’d laugh & then read my work.
Girls itself — though not perfect — changed my life. I engulfed it concurrently with temping at HBO & dreaming of my own big break some day, telling hyper-feminine, unafraid truth stories. There’s a moment in the Pilot where Lena (“Hannah”) unexplainably consumes a cupcake in the bathtub (while her friend Marnie shaves her legs) - the epitome of both shame-worthy & pride-deserving, over-indulgent & self-loving.*
*I distinctly thought of this moment from Girls at the moment grandma hazel said: “eat cake on camera” irl.
3(.
This is actually not actually a clip from Girls, though. I couldn’t find one to steal anywhere. HBO is very good at their ability to keep their material out of free access. So, this is actually a clip from the Emmy’s, I think — poking fun at how Lena Dunham is always naked & eating (cake)… found in a bathroom stall during the show. I do love how the shoes on Miranda July rub across Lena’s fuzzed out chest… And, how it all evokes a bizarre Alice in Oz or Dorothy in Wonderland sensation… All of it.
3).
There’s the real Dorothy now… it had to be her, really Judy Garland. The ruby slippers clicking together, evoking the words we do not hear: “There’s no place like home… There’s no place like home…” And, literally, I’m about to be sent home: #UTAH.
3-.
There’s the writing on my film reel scrolling by in an orangey hue again, like it did at the beginning of the film…
3+.
I like using the tornado house again now to drop Our Girl back to Earth… like with the logic that if you got in with a twister you can get out with a twister, but this time covered in feathers.