CR_EDiTs / 1:02
Ca.
“Doll Parts,” by Hole — though I credit it later to “Courtney Love” because I just think of it as her, you know? That voice…
I don’t know how I got the idea to splice the two songs together, honestly. I’d wanted to use “Doll Parts” for the credit sequence for a long time. Thought about doing an hyper-apathetic acoustic cover of it myself. But, that was too much to take on when it came down to it. But, once I got started editing with Madge in my ears, I swung easily to the next sound I needed like a grade-schooler on monkey bars. Because somehow, in my brain, that beat just bled right into Courtney Love, adding that twist to the context that I needed. Then, I feverishly cut together the audio before layering in the visuals.
Cb.
Now, I know this credit sequence is kind of long and indulgent. But, I just can’t argue with it. It is exactly what it wants to be. I received it like a revelation from a cute little paper SpaceMan. I had edited the piece up until this point, and I knew all along I wanted a credit sequence but didn’t know what until I got to it. Then, once I knew what I wanted, I couldn’t continue with the edit until I shot & edited together this whole sequence. I have to layer my edits brick by brick, like a tightly woven psychedelic basket. Sometimes I need a sign to continue…
Cc.
At the same time I was trying to figure out the credit sequence & make progress on the TUBcake edit, Jose got me a card with this tiny SpaceMan on it, claiming a cupcake planet with a tiny flag. It was a sign —> TUBcake existed. We’d already filmed it & Jose had already played my SpaceMan. Then, right as I was struggling to manifest the story in the edit, the little astronaut appeared to me to hand me the baton to continue on.
For the credit sequence, then, I conceived of this little prequel journey of the tiny SpaceMan… traveling right to left (the opposite of “comfortable” screen direction, I’ll have you) through lands of BJB-stuff & film equipment — a little bubble almost, like Glinda the Good Witch — to finally arrive at the story and Our Girl. A Shakespearean-like story-within-a-story — a synecdoche microcosm for the narrative whole & highly reminiscent of the glorified, over-emphasized iconic credit sequences I grew up on in the 90s, an informative trope.
Cd.
The names displayed are all those who give “performances” within the piece, cited in the order in which they joined the production. I obviously joined first. Then, I had Jose. Though we’d only been together roughly two months to the shoot day, he was as loyal as any partner could be. Lord love him. <3
Ce.
Notice the books:
They’re all intel on me — my prophets, my texts, my scriptures, my talismans. My tacky, sappy, overly-nostalgic aesthetic sets the stage.
*the book i get my first name from & my obsession with “jo” as a girl’s name.
**I wrote a short story with this same title while at nyu, about (surprise, surprise) a couple fighting. It ends with the lines — him: “I want a divorce!” door slams. her: “i want an abortion.” opens, drinks wine.
***this is the only one i’ve never actually read. it was a favorite of atlantic’s, and i like the color.
****this copy belonged to my grandma hazel.
*****We hear some of this a little later…
Cf.
Then, there was Lindsey, my dear friend — also loyal as all hell. Tough like me in a Mormon-born, youngest-child, screw-loose-in-the-best-way sort of way. She’s the kid sister I never had. Though, she’d never set foot on a film set before TUBcake & quickly learned a new level of exhaustion. Lord love her.
Cg.
Doug was the most sought-after cinematographer in my year at Chapman. I never had the chance to work with him until the time came for thesis. (Atlantic &) I pitched him hard — we wanted him bad — & we bagged him. But, the movie never happened. I got too sick & the school was too resistant to my ideas & it all just came to a toxic head until I just had to get out from under it all & let my life crash & burn like it obviously wanted to…
But, I always thought that someday when I finally made another legitimate project, I’d know it was real if Doug was shooting it. So, when I enrolled back in grad school at the U, I thought I’d probably ask Doug to shoot my thesis. But then, ten days before TUBcake, all I had was Jose & Linds. I needed more hands; I needed more friends. And, it just occurred to me to ask Doug — the unicorn of DPs (even though chances were, he’d be busy, of course). But, I felt it — in my gut — that I was supposed to try. You don’t get anything if you don’t ask, I thought.
So, I just texted him — out-of-the-blue — said I’d fly him out & put him up if he’d be willing to come shoot, to come stay. In the text message, I called him “the DP that got away…” Thank the Gods that something I said piqued his interest.
Ch.
This is the old equipment room at the U — cupcakes set upon the screen of the computer I would work at during the Fall semester 2017, making nascent plans for TUBcake… though this sequence was filmed almost last — April-ish, weeks after principal production. I actually filmed this part twice due to lost footage… But, that’s a story for another footnote.*
*notice the tiny spaceman in the background @ 1:32, descending, riding on a headphone jack.
Ci.
When I talked to Doug on the phone about the project, he told me he was on his way to have dinner with our mutual friend, Sid - producing graduate from our Chapman class & founder of his own media collective in LA. Doug said he happened to know that Sid was between projects & asked if he could tell Sid about TUBcake… said they’d recently joked about taking a “road trip” together. I was baffled - blown away. Of course tell Sid. I badly needed a Producer & had often worked (& partied*) closely with Sid - just never as his director. It was serendipity of the most meant-to-be kind.
In the end, they both committed & drove out together with gear & my cousin’s drone in tow. This gesture was exactly the vote of confidence & show of solidarity I needed in order to really go for this weird little vision of a movie of mine.
Cj.
So much BJB in this packed in this frame, but this was actually shot at Jose’s place. It started to look this way after TUBcake, artsy vomit everywhere from my creative aftermath. I basically lived there, & I guess I come with kitschy baggage.
Notice the journal with the ruby slippers on it (an Oz nod, of course). The cupcake purse Jose bought me the day after principal shooting with the intention I’d wear it at my hoped-for “premiere” party. My actual Barbie dolls from childhood, used in the ending of the film. Unicorn rubber duckies — from the ending, also. My favorite is the postcard-size image of Joseph Smith, an iconic one for Mormons — but this one is remixed. Instead of studying the bible the boy is depicted with classic vinyls in his lap, “London Calling” by The Clash on top.
Ck.
Aaron Moura joined the production because I needed someone to run sound. A recent grad from the U, Jose knew him and brought him on. We didn’t meet until that morning at the Salt Flats. And, I knew from the moment I saw him that I’d like him on-camera. We quickly bonded over cigarettes & Joywave & the exhilaration of being in the middle of freezing nowhere doing something ridiculous like shooting a SpaceMan visitation. From that moment, we’ve been friends. And, his performance becomes an iconic piece of the visual aesthetic.
And, I didn’t even scare him off with 12 hours in the wet, cold, & salty wasteland. He drove down to the Hot Springs for day two, too (even though he hadn’t initially planned to), even though he had to leave & drive back before spending the night… just to be part of it all a little longer. His quick-draw, sure-fire loyalty from day one was a huge boost of confidence in the middle of all this that assured me that I wasn’t all crazy… that there might just be something to it all, after all.
Cl.
This is me on the Janus* poster. It’s an image of me you’ll see later on in the movie, used to promote a production that (some members) vehemently opposed being part of my project. (More on that later.) Though it felt sort of ironic to literally be the poster-child for their cause when I’d felt so hurt by their rejection of my story (i.e. me), it was still… flattering, in a way, to see myself legitimized on poster-board & social media, even if just by the desperate necessity of undervaluing others. I went to their fundraising event since I was the face of it, though no longer affiliated with the group. And, two of my best girlfriends (Lindsey Wilson & Robin James — the sisters I never had… & they are literal sisters). And, we all wore black because it made us feel more like badasses, necessary when swimming in possibly unfriendly waters. And, I got to keep the posters. Because, who else would want my giant face?
Janus raised, like, $2.5k that night.** I paid for TUBcake out of my own pocket with money earned in solar startup operations.
*this is an alias label for the all female filmmaking club / project at the u in the spring of 2018.
**The date of the event was march 2nd — It’s four days later that I message doug. this is not a coincidence. I start feeling the pressure to make sure my project is good, at least by my own standards. I’d come too far & endured too much to not pull out all the stops — like hail-mary text messages to friends in la. And, I just became painfully aware of how really, very badly it’d feel if I flopped & failed to do myself any justice at all.
Cm.
Alekh was in my screenwriting class in the Fall semester 2017. But, we didn’t get close until we both volunteered at Slamdance in January. Good as gold — you might as well call him Ponyboy,* bright-eyed & level-headed. From Provo but never Mormon. He drove down to meet us at the Mystic Hot Springs day two, with his wilderness hat & eager hands to help. His presence is invaluable at the cake-eating tub sequence at the end, wearing my heart-shaped sunglasses. Look for him.
*Yes, that’s an outsiders reference. #Greasertilidie
Cn.
Back in the equipment room now. Do you see how these sequences of parallel settings function? Half me-stuff & half film-stuff — all of it manipulated, placed — simultaneously real & fake, an enacted aesthetic of both authenticity & duplicity — compounded by aggressive coloring & distorting digital, analog, or filmic overlays.
Co.
Robin & I have been close friends since 5th grade. We were in the same class at Sage Creek Elementary when my family first moved to Springville in 1999. I famously ruined her birthday party by throwing up everywhere — see, even then my stomach was already controlling my social life. We played volleyball together in high school, both starters at the same position. And after I left home and left The Church,* she was the only one who followed me out in her own way. And, when I landed back in Utah two years ago, broke & broken, she helped carry some of my broken-heart burden. I feel for her as Anne** did of Diana; she is my bosom friend forever.
For the shoot, she drover her husband & her dog in their family RV up to Mystic for day two & three, just to be with me. Because, she knew it was important to me. Her presence definitely infuses my portrayal of triumph in the end.
*i.e. mormonism. you know, how we all consider whatever religion we grew up in to be “the” church.
**of green gables, of course.
Cp.
You see my fingernails? The half-chipped black polish? That’s how long it’d been since the wrap of principal photography, where my nails appear freshly painted onyx. The chipped look is a realistic depiction of their typical look (a just-barely-there look on them now as I type…) I don’t know what it is about black. I just find it comforting. *
*But sometimes I still can’t help but remember that episode of gilmore girls where rory wakes up to find lorelei surrounded by half-eaten pop tarts. And she says she’s trying to figure out if she likes pop tarts because she likes them or because her mother hates them so much. I get that, I really do.
Cq.
I’m twisting his arm here to get a reflection on his shiny helmet.
Cr.
Tyrel was technically last to join the cast, I guess. Robin’s husband, perhaps held hostage in that RV as she dragged him there — who knows. But, Ty & I have been friends for a long time now — we’ve seen a lot of each other — and he came through for me that day; he really did, and for Robin, too. He smoked hookah on a bed in the back of a hippie bus while his wife played Barbie dolls with her little sister & her best friend amidst bubbles (you’ll see what I mean). And, he let me film it. He’s a champ. Plus, I love this frame where his name pops up. Luck of the draw, really. The visuals progress in a specific way, & the names go in a particular order… So, it’s sort of like a puzzle, the positions sort of destined, really…
Cs.
I think I use a dust overlay here. It has a cool effect, no?
Ct.
This is the card the SpaceMan came from, placed in a little spa box Jose got for me with revitalizing masks & massage oils inside. Other cards he’d given me. The black Buddha’s are mine from Thailand; his are gold (like the plates Moroni buried & later gave to Joseph). The wood engraving features my favorite drawing by artist Penelope Gazin of a sort of zombie couple. I gave it to Jose for Valentine’s Day.
Cu.
This is my favorite setup in this re-shot footage, with these old lenses that lay around at school. I didn’t think to use them until I was forced to reshoot the equipment room footage. See, it was just a couple weeks before school was out & I had only edited TUBcake through the intro. Then, I had to stop & shoot this little sequence because it had been revealed to me that’s what went next. And, I have to build it brick by brick, you see — line upon line, precept upon precept.
So, I had to shoot & edit together this sequence in its entirety before continuing the rest of the edit. So, I shot it once. And then, before dumping my SD card, I let Jose & Eduardo borrow my camera for another shoot, and when their SD card filled up in the middle of an interview, mine was quickly snatched from the bag & formatted without a second thought. I lost the footage. I was sick & probably rather hysterical, the pressure of the impending semester-end snapping the supports of my resolve to remain calm in the face of unintended circumstances. Jose & Eduardo assured me there were programs that could recover the footage. So, one day, in the edit bay - I think I was working on splicing together Made & Courtney Love - I send Jose away with my credit card asking for him to just take care of it — buy whatever program I needed. I couldn’t even think about it; I was so sick by the stress of being stymied.
I distracted myself successfully at first. But before long, I get a phone call from American Express. My card had been forcibly canceled for security as the information has been stolen by a known Chinese scam operation. I think steam came out my ears. (Sorry, Jose — I was not lovely that day.) So with the clock ticking, I finally just break down and re-shoot the footage. And serendipitously, it was so much better the second time around. Funny thing — it’s like I learned something. And, there’s definitely some lesson there to be had, all right.
And on the second time shooting the credits is when I had the idea to use the old lenses to look like sort of space pods for our miniature astronaut, bubbles for our futuristic Glinda. I love the depth of field in this set-up — the most extreme example of the aesthetic employed throughout: how much focus can change and distort an identical physical perspective. The reflection of the cupcake in the background is my favorite part.
Cv.
I think I use stars as an overlay here… I’m rather sure.
Cw.
This is Laurie.*
*Not pictured; but, he delivers the only other original “performance” authored for the film.
Cx.
The little blast-off here of the tiny SpaceMan is a personal favorite detail…
Cy.
Then, he lands on to the old & faded-looking polaroid of me, Jose, Linds, & Alekh in front of the Ben Bus at Mystic Host Springs, taken the final morning after shooting, post wrap party, mid-hangover, right before leaving… taken on my old-school polaroid.* I love the way the SpaceMan drops back to Earth here, taking us back in time to the days of the photography (meant to mimic the cheesy 90s flashback aesthetic — like, it could have easily been accompanied by some twinkling sound effect & pink mist), launching us back into the story with BJB on her journey.
*once gifted to me by atlantic’s little brother.
Cz.
Back in the story “present,” I first remind you of Moroni… & the fact that the car & the unseen heroine are being divinely lead. Or, at least she thinks so.
CA.
Then, from the Angel Moroni ornament, we project forward off his power, receiving, downloading, blips of the future from the divine — visions of the place where we are headed. The VW Bus on top the bus (where we’ll see our heroine in the very end). The three tubs where we’ll see Robin, Alekh, & Lindsey near the end with cupcakes. The sun staring through the trees. The same view from inside the bus. Something’s drawing her / us there…
CB.
Now, we’re back with BJB. Smoking again, determined, passing the Monroe Family Dollar with intensity, making Moroni look like a bungee jumper crashing back to reality. In that moment, I was literally a woman on a mission. About to arrive on location — everyone looking to me for instruction, the sun already dipping to the low side of the sky. Halfway through production, I had to keep the whole thing going — keep myself going, too.
CC.
I don’t know how I had the instinct to flash pink. I just did, the concept still in me since the beginning blips with the U logo. Ideas like that are the best kind, bestowed from beyond me, like beautiful, illogical bits of artistry that aren’t right or wrong, but instantly just are.
CD.
I found this place in the Fall, stumbled across it really, trying to find a place to go for my birthday. All I wanted was a getaway with my (not-boyfriend) Theodore. I think I searched AirBnB for “cabin hot tub utah.” And somewhere in that bucket of results was Mystic Hot Springs where natural piping water funnels into old school bath tubs & accommodations exist in the form of pimped-out hippie buses. I was sold. I booked it immediately. And, it was better than imagined. It’s the place where TUBcake was conceived between divinity & me. I thought, if I could be healed anywhere, it would be here.
CE.
My car is RIP now. I have a new superstition that whenever I put one of my cars on camera, that starts its ticking clock. We used my old Saturn* in a film at Chapman — it got totaled after. And, we featured the Adventure Mobile in the (yet unfinished) Manifest Extasy. And then my Escape kicked the bucket just a couple weeks after shooting. I don’t know how I would have pulled it all off without it. It was literally my “escape” vehicle when I left Atlantic & Texas to move home to Utah. It had been through two of my brothers before me. My oldest had bought it. Then my parents gave their Flex to him & his wife, so they gave the Escape to my youngest brother (but still older than me). And, just when I moved home, they bought a mini-van & gave the Escape to me (because Atlantic got to keep the Adventure Mobile… ) It was stained & thrashed, just like me. It was a good car, scarred but always game for a good time… #RIP